Consanguinamory and the Coronavirus Pandemic

Unless you’re fortunate enough to live in an uninfected country, the chances are, your government will have put in place some hefty policies in order to combat the spread of this horrible coronavirus disease that’s claiming the lives of thousands of people worldwide. Usually, this involves staying at home unless you have to go out for your groceries, medicines or exercise. When you do go out, you’re advised to remain two meters distant from other people who are also using these public spaces, and to wash your hands regularly, or use sanitizer gel when soap and water aren’t readily available, especially when you’re out and about doing shopping and touching things which other people have touched. Some people are infected but asymptomatic, they have no idea that they’re spreading the virus around.

Now, because of the ‘stay at home’ order we’ve all had, this is going to have some special challenges for us consangs. For those who are in a relationship and not living in the same household, it means not being able to see each other in person. While those couples can obviously use the phone, social media and video call apps to continue their relationship at a distance, it is obviously not the same as being together in person, and it renders physical intimacy impossible. Needless to say, this is a massive challenge because the order to stay at home and not get physically closer than two meters distant from anyone who is not a member of your household still needs to be obeyed for public safety. If you’re in this situation, hang on in there… just remember, this isn’t for forever, it’s just until they get this thing under control. The more people obey the rules, the quicker this deadly disease will be eradicated. And don’t think because you’re young and fit it won’t kill you, it can, the youngest victim in my country was a 21 year old woman with no health problems whatsoever. So as tempting as it is to break the rules because neither of you are currently ill, think again and be safe.

Other people are in the equally difficult situation of being closeted consangs sharing a household with other family members. Oftentimes it’s young bro/sis couples who are hiding it from their parents, other times it’s parent/offspring couples hiding it from the younger parties siblings. Either way, it means that people aren’t going to be out of the house at times they usually would be, for work or leisure. This means that the closeted couple may not have the usual times of the week where they can be themselves. For instance, a brother and sister who get time to themselves when their parents are out on a Friday night at the pub or cinema, or on a couple of days in the week when both would usually be at work. In many households, at least one person is now unable to work because their job is not classified as essential (such as, someone working in a coffee shop or beauty salon). Couples for whom this is true have a few options. You could either put your relationship on hold until after the crisis, sneak around in the middle of the night when everyone else is asleep, or come out to the other members of your household. It’s a tough choice, but entirely yours to make according to your own circumstances. None of these options are ideal, but they appear to be the only ones available to you given the circumstances.

Then again, there are relatives who have feelings for each other and who may not yet have made those feelings known. If they’re members of the same household and they do not share with other family members (for example, a brother and sister who are housemates to keep costs down), then it is entirely possible that this enforced stay at home order could intensify those feelings and even help them take the final step and become a couple.

All this said, no matter what your personal circumstances, please stay safe during this pandemic, and follow the rules to the letter. If you’re able to be with your lover, stay safe together, if you’re not, remember that its not forever, it’s just until they bring this under control…. the important thing is that we all get through this difficult time. If you’re struggling with any issues because of the impact that government restrictions are having in your love life, or you just need to talk about consang issues in general, please visit Kindred Spirits, we’re a friendly community here and we will be able to help you in many ways. At times like these, it is important to reach out and remember that there are good people in the world who care. Even if you live alone, you need not be alone emotionally.

 

 

Avoiding the pitfalls of intergenerational consanguinamory

Lets face it guys, even in the regular world, some people still hold to the idea that people dating someone more than a few years older or younger is somehow inherently wrong. Society has built an entire framework of ideas and explanations for why this supposed ‘fact’ holds ‘true’, when in fact it doesn’t.

Usually, the view is held that the older person is somehow stopping the younger one from enjoying life and doing the usual activities that young people do: staying out until 2am partying with friends and then having a takeaway meal, going out on holidays or adventure which involve being very physically active (let’s not forget, some people remain fit and healthy well into old age), and of course having a similarly aged partner to share their life with, with whom they presumably have more in common.

Now, while I can see how some people could form this view if they’ve not given the subject any serious thought, at first glance this might be how it would appear to the outside world. However, it does not take into account that the young adult in question undoubtedly has a mind of his or her own, and is very much capable of deciding who they wish to share their life with. If he or she did not want to be there, they wouldn’t be, it’s as simple as that.

Often though, because of prejudice against age-gap relationships, even to the degree that the older one believes the mantra, it can cause relationship breakdown and lack of effective communication between the two.

Now then, how does this all tie into the subject of this blog? It is relevant to parent/offspring couples. More times than I’d care to mention, I’ve had messages in my inbox from distraught young people wondering why their parent is having such difficulty understanding why they want to be in the relationship when the parent often isn’t in the position to offer late night parties, or even why the offspring may sacrifice some of their wants to remain in the relationship with them. I’ve also had messages from parents who doubt the wisdom of these relationships for all these reasons.

Now, in all relationships, no matter what form they may take, there are going to be some sacrifices made on both sides. It has to be that way for it to work, if two (or more) people cannot find what works for them, then it isn’t going to work.

In the context of parent/offspring relationships, the parent very often doesn’t like it when the offspring makes a sacrifice, whether that be turning down a job to stay at home with them, or not going out partying and dating as young people normally do. That is a normal reaction believe it or not… the parental instinct kicks in and wants to protect the offspring from what they see as making a foolish choice. However, is it so foolish? How far would you go to be with the one you love?

When the quality and depth of that love make the relationship absolutely irreplacable (and that is almost invariably the case for consang couples), most people would go pretty damn far to ensure that they put their partner first, and young adult offspring are no exception. So, if you’re a parent reading this who has some serious self-doubts about whether or not the relationship you have is good for your son or daughter, consider that if it wasn’t good for them, they wouldn’t be with you, they’d be with someone else already. If they make a sacrifice for you, it’s because they love you much more than you might have realized. You cannot be replaced in their life.

Speaking as a daughter, whose dad broke up with her because of these very issues… please listen to me seriously. You aren’t harming your offspring by holding them back or stopping them from doing anything they really want to do: they made a conscious choice to be with you. That choice was based on love, so, as long as you’re as happy with them as they are with you, accept their choice and their expressions of love, and just enjoy being together. They won’t benefit from you breaking up with them, I know this from experience. I’m not just speaking about the initial emotional distress from a breakup (everyone who has had a relationship end has gone through that), I mean the longer term impact. Things like trying to fit into the regular world as a full consang, knowing that you could never love another as you did your parent. For me the sense of loss was enormous. As I said, you are not as replaceable as you think. Just bear all of this in mind before making any rash decisions.

And to you sons and daughters out there, please make sure you’re giving your parent/partner the reassurance they need so that it doesn’t come to this. Remember, they raised you, and they still have a strong parental instinct to protect you, even from the perceived consequences of your own decisions. Make it known to them that they mean more to you than anything else in the world, and that nothing makes you more happy than being their partner in life. Say it however you like, but please do say it, lest you end up in a situation like mine where you’re still lost without them a decade later.