For obvious reasons, coming out to friends and family as consanguinamorous is not the same as coming out as gay. For a start, incest is illegal in the majority of countries, and in those where it is legal, there is still a lot of prejudice to overcome even though not from the law. For us, the risks of coming out at far far greater than they are for the average homosexual or lesbian, at least that is the case in the western world. For this reason, for most if not all consanguinamorous couples, the relationship must be kept top secret. Yet somehow despite all that, there are a few brave souls amongst us who have had the courage to tell a trusted other about this part of their lives.
The risks
Of course if somebody makes an error of judgment and tells the wrong person, it could lead to arrest and prosecution in most places, in which case jail time is likely, as is being added to the sex offenders register. Even if that person doesn’t inform the police directly, him or her confiding this knowledge to another less understanding person could lead to that person making such a report.
Of course, in cases where the police are not informed, or even in countries where incest is legal, it could still lead to horrible social repercussions. Friends and family may suddenly disown you, you could potentially lose your job and your home. You might even find a lynch mob after you or find your property vandalized or worse.
It is also quite possible that those you tell will try to split you up, try to get you sectioned by a psychiatrist, tell you that you’re sick and perverted and disgusting… etc. Do you want to possibly invite that sort of abuse into your life?
The benefits
Of course, if you choose to come out to the right person or people, then there are additional people you can be yourselves around without having to hide. Those understanding souls can be there for you and will fully accept your relationship even if they cannot completely relate to all aspects of it. It takes a lot of courage for somebody to come out, and if you are one of those people, please choose your friend wisely.
Coming out in each scenario
Of course, different life circumstances might mean that the person you’re coming out to will react differently.
Coming out to a spouse – Here, it makes a bloody big difference whether the consanguinamory was in the distant past or if it is an ongoing part of your life. If the latter you will probably have been cheating, and that is wrong whether the person you cheated with is related to you or not. That scenario is going to go down like a lead balloon I’m afraid. If your relationship is an open one then perhaps the sleeping with somebody else won’t be so much of a problem, so much as your spouses reaction to who you’ve been sleeping with.
If however it was a case of it all being ancient history, perhaps teenage experimentation or even a relationship that ended well before you met your current spouse, it may or may not be an issue. I can understand wanting to be totally honest with your partner, but sometimes it might just be best to keep certain things private; why upset him or her with your ancient history? In this scenario it is probably best to join a support forum like Kindred Spirits and vent your thoughts and feelings in there, where you know that everyone will be supportive and understand.
Also bear in mind that if you choose to tell your spouse, and later your relationship comes to an end, that if he or she becomes particularly vindictive then the knowledge could be used as a weapon against you, even if only psychologically.
Coming out to parents – This is a big one, especially for sibling couples. The reaction can be anything from supportive to calling the cops, or indeed anything in between. Obviously you know your parents general attitudes towards life in general, and perhaps even about sexuality in general. If they’re accepting of gay people and alternative lifestyles and open minded in general it might be worth considering telling them. Of course, on the other hand if they are very conservative or religious I would really think twice about telling them anything. This applies to telling anyone, not just parents!
Most people want their parents to love and accept them for who they are, and to be proud of them. Depending on their general attitudes, this may or may not still be possible after finding out about your relationship. I’ve even heard of some parents completely disowning their consanguinamorous children, which is very sad indeed but inevitable for some because of the amount of prejudice. Their reaction might also differ depending on who you’re with and their reaction to that person and their perceptions. They may be less tolerant towards a intergenerational relationship than to a monogenerational one.
Parents may also feel that it is somehow ‘their fault’ in some way,and believe that they didn’t do enough to instill moral values or something like that. Of course, that isn’t the case because consanguinamory is an orientation for many of us in non-GSA situations, and it’s an argument that barely applies to GSA since the parents were likely out of the picture anyway while you were both growing up in separate homes. Just like it isn’t the parents fault if somebody turns out to be gay, it isn’t the parents fault that somebody turns out consanguinamorous… it’s something that just happens.
Coming out to siblings – Again, the risks depend on their attitudes in general just as with parents, but also on who you’re with. Some siblings may be absolutely fine if you’re with your cousin, or your other sibling… but it may be another matter entirely if you’re with one of your parents or another older relative, as they might assume that you’re being abused or taken advantage of even though that’s far from being the case.
Of course, you can read your situation and the attitudes of your family members pretty well, so you will know the right timing, and the right way to come out if you choose to do that. Of course, don’t come out to religious conservative types.
Coming out to friends – I would only recommend coming out to very close friends, not the mates you go to work with and have a pint with on a Friday night after work. It’s really down to how much you trust that friend and how open minded they are. If somebody is a very close friend, and is very liberal minded, or perhaps a gay friend, then you’re likely on solid ground… that said, even some liberal gays can be against incest, but maybe their perception will be open to change after knowing your situation.
Being caught/outed
Sometimes, people have no choice but come clean and spill the beans. Perhaps some spiteful person has discovered your relationship and is trying to ruin your life from a distance by sending malicious letters to your friends, family and workplace. Perhaps you were caught in the act. Perhaps people are growing suspicious of your secrecy and have put two and two together. All of those scenarios have happened to people, and continue to happen.
Of course, malicious mail and peoples interpretations can be plausibly denied, especially since most people find incest so outrageous and they already have a mental image of you as ‘normal’ so they will be quite ready for you to deny it, and accept your denial whether you’re lying or not. The more suspicious however might still suspect, but will obviously not report you because they’d fear been seen as foolish and vindictive if they turned out to be wrong.
Denying it when you’ve been caught red handed, that’s not possible to deny. Now is the time for damage control. I would recommend the three of you sitting down and for you two to be prepared to answer some tough questions. In these cases, be honest, and stress to the unfortunate person who discovered you that you’re in love, that you didn’t plan for it to happen, it just did…. etc. Then ask them what they plan on doing. Hopefully they will keep your secret, if not you must plan for the worst, or perhaps even go on the run towards a country where it is not illegal and where nobody knows you.
CONCLUSION
I would seriously recommend telling nobody because there are so much risks involved in doing so, but if you must come out, or if you are outed then it is a case of trying to minimize the risks as much as humanly possible. You know the people you’re thinking of coming out to better than anyone, so you know their likely reaction far better than I do… but please be cautious. If it’s a case of just needing to talk, then it’s much safer to join a forum like Kindred Spirits.
Consanguinamory 