When it starts: Overwhelming love and inner conflict

This article is about the most common feelings that people have when they start consanguinamorous relationships. It is aimed to help outsiders understand us better, and to help people who have just found themselves in a new relationship of this nature. Hopefully it will also help those people who are a bit further down the road, but still struggling with feelings of guilt and self-hate.

Just like in any other type of relationship, falling in love is a very special experience. Suddenly you see this other person in a whole new light, the lights go on in your brain and you get the butterflies and that warm fuzzy feeling when the other person is around. You want to be in their presence as often as possible, you crave physical contact with him or her, and just hearing their voice brightens your day. A lot of very positive things are said about falling in love, and for good reason, it feels good and it is the initial stages of bonding for a couple (or polycule). What happens when these positive, wonderful and special emotions are felt towards a family member?

At the first phase of attraction, in most types of relationships people just tend to go for it and ask the other person out, this is certainly true of the widely accepted forms of sexuality, namely the straight and gay communities. It is a bit different for consanguinamorous people for a few reasons. Firstly, incest is so taboo that asking the other person if they’re interested is in itself a monumentally courageous thing to do. Secondly, when society has told you all your life that these feelings are bad, wrong, sick and disgusting, it is impossible not to internalize at least some of that and begin to feel bad about yourself for even having these feelings in the first place. Thirdly, the function of ‘dating’ in the normal sense of the word means to get to know the other person, this aspect applies to GSA consanguinamory where the participants have to get to know each other, but far less so with conventional incest where the participants know each other extremely well to begin with. In cases where consanguinamory is in it’s non-GSA form, the relationships is at the outset an extension of the existing family bond. In all kinds of consanguinamory, there are going to be a mixed bag of feelings when it comes to entering into these relationships.

I remember what it felt like myself, when I was first thinking about my dad in this way. My lines of thinking and internal dialog was something like ‘He’s just so wonderful, I want to be with him all the time, I can’t get him out of my head…. stop thinking like that, that’s disgusting and sick…. but he might feel the same way…. that’s fucked up…. it feels so right…. but it’s so wrong, it’s incest…. should it matter that he’s related? I love him anyway…. this is just perverted…. but it doesn’t feel perverted’ …etc. Sound familiar? The wonderful feelings of being in love, then the self-hate. If you’re going through this right now, there are ways to live without shame. You are certainly not alone and you can get connected to realize just how normal you really are. It certainly goes a long way towards understanding your sexuality and embracing it. It’s not wrong to feel this way, you’re just a bit different from the expected norm of society. It took me a while to understand myself and how normal I was… sadly my dad never got to accept himself in this way and he broke it off with me a few years ago because of this and fear of being discovered.

When you’ve calmed the inner turmoil by realizing and fully understanding that what society has to say about incest is both prejudiced and deeply ignorant, you will understand that there is nothing wrong with you and that you and your family lover have every right to a consanguinamorous relationship if you choose to. You’re doing nothing wrong, you’re harming nobody… and yet it is society that does the harming with it’s ridiculous laws.

Whatever your circumstances, proceed with caution, but should you both feel the same please try to eliminate the self-hate. You’re beautiful just as you are and you shouldn’t try to change for anyone. Love is love, and our form of love is the most special, deep and precious gift ever, it’s a blessing, not a curse.