It’s a fact of life, we live in a world that just doesn’t get us. That said, there is hope and believe it or not, not everyone is actually against us or hateful towards us (although many people are), but sometimes even the more tolerant regulars are hopelessly misinformed when it comes to the issues involved, and thus when they try to give us relationship advice they unintentionally fall short of what we really need. Here is a short list of some of the kinds of things they sometimes say. After each one I will give you a short analysis and give some tips on how to handle that being said to you so that you’re better able to get that person to understand a little more.
Most of these statements and questions are made because of their misunderstanding, and frustrating as it is for us, we must at least acknowledge that these people are not saying these things to be intentionally nasty or insulting. Actually some of these people are trying hard to understand but they just aren’t there yet. It isn’t their fault, it’s down to societal brainwashing. So we must be patient because some of these people may be potential future allies if we handle these questions and statements correctly. Better yet, you can always give them a link to this website.
You might think that you want to be with your [family member], but really you’ve just not found the right person yet. There is plenty more fish in the sea.
This is a common sceptical objection, and it is based on the misunderstand that we have resorted to incest due to bad luck in the field of normal dating. While it is true that many of us have not been particularly successful with relationships with regulars, that is because we’re consanguinamorous and quite simply we aren’t finding regular relationships fulfilling because of the lack of familial bond. We’re not resorting to consanguinamory because of that bad luck. So in effect the person has the cause and effect the wrong way around! It’s an understandable mistake that is based on not understanding the double love dynamic, and the underlying assumption that nobody would really want a consanguinamorous relationship.
You’ll grow out of it, it’s a phase.
This one is usually said to consang teenagers, either by parents who are upset about their childrens sexuality, or by other adults who discover the relationship but are wise enough not to want to ruin their lives by reporting them to the cops. In some cases they may be right and it could be a phase with some people in their mid teens. It is a known fact that some teenagers do experiment sexually with their siblings rather than with their classmates, and then they will go on to have fulfilling regular relationships at a later time.
However, this isn’t always the case. Sometimes such experimentation leads to lifelong romantic relationships between siblings. At such a young age it is impossible to know for sure what the youngsters adult sexuality will be, but they should be supported in their journey of self discovery whether it is indeed a phase or not. Only time will tell for sure. Either way such teens need and deserve the love and support of those around them, not condemnation or even assumption making.
If you’re a consang teen yourself, I wrote this article for you.
I support your relationship, but please be careful with contraception.
There are some people, who do fully support our rights to have a consanguinamorous relationship, but they still believe in the mutant babies argument and thus feel the need to remind us about our contraceptive choices. Well intentioned for sure, but any advice given when based on wrong information can be very misguided. Birth defects are not anywhere near as common as most people would fear, closer to 9% for immediate family rather than the almost certainty that most people believe it to be.
The choice to bring a child into the world or not are deeply personal, and of course any additional risk should be taken into consideration as a part of making that choice, and that includes any inheritable diseases that would have a greater chance of being expressed if your relationship is consanguinamorous. But at the end of the day it is your call and nobody should tell you whether to have a child or not. Please read this essay that will help you on procreation choices if it is something you might be thinking about.
I support you, but wouldn’t you prefer a ‘normal’ relationship so you didn’t have to hide and risk being locked up if the wrong person found out?
Again, the person saying it probably has concerns that you will end up in prison and wants to help you to avoid that. However, the problem is not that people are flouting these unfair laws, but that such laws are on the books in the first place! So rather than simply complying to the unreasonable demands of society, it is society that must adapt to accept that some people are consanguinamorous and thus accept our relationships as legitimate.
Not only in forcing ourselves into regular relationships that we do not want unfair on us, it is also very unfair to the regular we may become involved with as a result. It’s akin to a gay person entering a heterosexual relationships simply because it’s the societal expectation to do so. Ultimately suppression of our true sexuality can lead to depression and being unfulfilled in life, and for some people it can lead to infidelity and all of the upset that brings into peoples lifes. Just think for a moment about how the regular person would feel, being with a person who cannot love them on the level they deserve, and who might cheat on them with their family member that they should be allowed to be with in the first place! While cheating is immoral and we certainly shouldn’t be condoning it, we should acknowledge that this can and does happen in life, and that it can be better avoided if people are allowed to be with the people that they truly love, and not with who they feel they must settle for.
So while the regular who might recommend that we just find somebody else and settle down, it’s just not a practical choice for so many of us.
I’m not 100% convinced this is healthy, I mean I know that you two love each other, but maybe you’re a bit confused about how to express family love in a healthy way.
Again, this comes as a misunderstanding of the double-love dynamic. It is not a confusion of the familial role and the lovers role, it is both running simultaneously to produce such a strong and meaningful bond that nothing could compare to it. There is nothing inherently unhealthy about it, it’s just different, that’s all.
As much as I can see you love each other, I’m not so sure this can work because of the inherent power differential, it doesn’t seem quite right to me.
This one is usually said in response to intergenerational consanguinamory. The person saying it understandably assumes that parents have too much power over their offspring for a relationship to be healthy… and yet interestingly might not make the same assumption about a rich person and a poor person, or an able bodied person and somebody who has an obvious disability, or two people of differing levels of intelligence…etc. There are workable power differentials in all sorts of relationships, and that includes intergenerational incestuous relationships too. In all fairness, the power differential is not as large as many people believe it to be, and many parents in these relationships overcompensate for the perceived imbalance and make themselves more vulnerable than they would do in regular relationships.
What if you break up though? It might mean destroying the family bond you have.
The person saying this has probably never remained friends with an ex. Yet in life many people do remain friends with their ex partners even though the relationship has come to an end. It depends largely on why the breakup happened. Of course, if it was just that they fell out of double-love or broke up due to misplaced guilt or fear of persecution, then there is absolutely no reason why they cannot continue to have a family relationship after the relationship has ended. If however the breakup was a messy and bitter affair, and was caused by infidelity or domestic abuse, then that’s a whole other story and they may choose not to speak to each other at all. So really, consanguinamorous relationship breakdowns mirror their regular counterparts. There is no such thing in life as a relationship of any kind without risk.
Responding to the people who say these things
I believe in honesty, it is better to state your point of view and perhaps to explain their logical misunderstandings to them. Be prepared to answer any questions the person has honestly and fully. If you don’t quite have the words then show them this essay. It is important that they understand how and why you feel your relationship has more to offer than a regular one, and so trying to explain the double-love dynamic is important. While the regular might not be able to understand it on an emotional level, even an intellectual understanding should be sufficient to answer their questions. Remember that although it is frustrating, these people are just trying to understand, it’s just a matter of patience.