When a normally good media policy isn’t good for us

As we all know, the media are responsible for reporting the news. This means that they have a responsibility to the public to ensure that the news that they are reporting is accurate to the best of their knowledge. Usually this means that they need to verify the stories that they report to be sure of the accuracy and authenticity of the content.

Usually this is a very good thing, it ensures that public opinion is not unduly swayed on serious issues because of something that isn’t actually true. Say for instance, the issue was whether or not to go to war with a country, a journalist had damned best make sure that the info he has at his disposal is accurate before dispensing it into an article which is then potentially acted upon by the government.

So yes, when it is a matter of life and death, this policy is extremely important and I do not blame media bosses entirely for employing it across the board. That said, there should be some exceptions, exceptions which would allow the reporting of stories which should be heard, but cannot be because of extreme risk both to the people who would need to provide verification, and to the journalists who would run those stories.

Let me back up here just a little to explain further. About a week ago, our friend Cristina contacted me to explain that a journalist from The Sun had interviewed her, and was interested in interviewing me. Naturally, I jumped at the chance to get my story out there for others, and I friended her on Facebook. My impressions were that of a nice lady who wanted to discover the truth about us and report it as such, so she asked me her questions about my relationship with my dad amongst other thing. I completed the interview with her, and then she asked me if she could verify my story….. oh dear. Needless to say, because what I did is currently against the law, and also because I’ve too much to lose, and that the movement cannot afford to lose a central player like myself, I could for the most obvious reasons supply this information to her.

In essence, expecting incestuous people to supply verification is actually expecting a criminal to supply proof of his or her crime, even though it shouldn’t even be a crime! Sorry, but it isn’t going to happen. Info like this can be easily subpoenaed by the courts. I do not blame this journalist, actually I quite like her, she seems very nice and she just wanted to present the information she discovered in a fair and neutral way. She spoke with her editor about it and it is he who said no, without verification the story cannot go ahead.

This is NOT an isolated incident by any means. My experience with The Sun is the same as with VICE journalists who have from time to time approached me (except with those, we didn’t even get as far as an interview). It is a general policy endemic to the media industry, which as I say, is usually important in ensuring that what is being reported is in fact correct.

What I would like to say to the media bosses is this: Would YOU, in our shoes, give away your indentity, location or other personal info? I doubt it. Can you understand WHY we have to be as secretive as we are? Our stories are there for you, we’ll tell you about it, just please, don’t expect us to provide proof of our ‘crime’, we won’t do it for security reasons. We’re a secretive people for good reason, we risk prison time for coming out. In the public sphere we cannot just be what we are, that’s the problem. You media bosses could consider being allies to us, allowing our stories to go forth without verification. We don’t even mind if you TELL the public that our stories are unverifed, explaining why they cannot be. That way, the reader gets to make up their own mind on whether or not the stories are true. In this way, you’re not decieving your readers, you’re giving our stories the public viewing they deserve, and boosting your own ratings. I’d say that would be a win-win scenario for everybody involved.

Don’t get me wrong, I realise that for all the media know, I could be some super sad loser guy stuck in his mothers basement living on cheetohs, mashed potato and beer. However, EVEN IF THAT WERE TRUE, which it isn’t, would that invalidate EVERYTHING I have said on this website? Would it invalidate the numerous people who have contacted me over this last year and a half? Of course not. Would it invalidate the arguments I have put forth for the legalization if incest? No, it would not.

I would say to any media bosses, the real story here is greater than my story, or Cristinas story, or anyone elses. It is the story of an oppressed minority group screaming out for acceptance and understanding. It is the story of a people who are just learning about themselves because their community is so new. It is the story of a subculture that is in it’s infancy and still forming. It is the story is a new youthful energy which desires to make an impression, correcting the horrific mistakes of it’s forebearers. It is the energy of a people who have remained silent about their oppression for far too long, a people who have patiently waited it out for the opportunity to speak. I, as one of the community leaders, am acting here in the capacity of an ambassador to the regulars. I am asking that our voice, our energy, our morals, our vibe to be heard and considered. We as a people have so much to offer to the world, if only given a chance.

I ask the media bosses to take all of this into consideration, because even if they do choose to ignore this plea, that the independant media is covering us periodically, and will continue to do so for the forseeable future. The mainstream risks becoming out of step, and thus out of touch with the most recent developements. Love will win out in the end, and news outlets who do not recognize that exceptions must be made in some cases will become doomed to bypass some of the most interesting stories of our time.

Incestuous couples have been with humanity for as long as our species have existed. Some parts of the ancient world accepted us, it is only in relatively modern history that we have been oppressed completely. We’re asking that our voice be heard so that we can be re-integrated into society.

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This is just heartless

Well here is, once again, another sad story of a couple being persecuted by the state, this time in Hong Kong. Let’s dive into the latest batch of drivel and see what we find:

The District Court sentenced a man on Monday to two years in prison for having sex with his 19-year-old biological daughter between 2009 and 2015. The daughter was handed a jail term of 14 months, suspended for two years.

As we always point out in these cases. that’s insane. It’s a heartless waste of taxpayers money that should have been spent catching actual criminals, you know, people who rape, murder and pillage. Instead those precious resources are being spent persecuting this couple for no other reason than the state disaproves of it. That’s called fascism, and it aint pretty.

The 58-year-old father – referred to as C.P.K to protect his identity – and his daughter, now 26, pleaded guilty earlier to two counts of incest.

Which they shouldn’t have had to for one simple reason: it should never have been in the courtroom in the first place.

Handing down the sentence, Judge Timothy Casewell said incest is a taboo in society as it damages trust among family members, HK01 reported.

No, it doesn’t. There is only a breach of trust if it is a case of rape, sexual abuse or child molestation. Clearly that isn’t the case here, she was a grown woman of 19 years of age, quite old enough to decide for herself… actually was same age I was when I entered a relationship with my dad. The judge here is way off base.

Counsel for the man pleaded in mitigation that imprisonment as a deterrent would not be beneficial to the pair, on the basis that their love was “misplaced” and the daughter was legally an adult during the time of the offence.

The only ‘misplaced’ thing I see is their analysis of the situation. Love is love, deal with it. Consenting adults are consenting adults, it should make no difference to the law whether they are related or not.

The court heard that the daughter offered to have sex with her father, then 51-year-old, after seeing him looking depressed. They continued the relationship and filmed their encounters.

Their relationship came to light in 2015 after the woman’s younger brother found a memory card containing six video clips of their sexual acts. The brother reported it to police out of fear that his sister was being sexually assaulted. He later dropped out of school as he felt affected by the discovery.

Note to anybody reading this: If you’re in a relationship with a relative and you’re tempted to make a little home made porn…. just don’t. It can be used as evidence if it’s ever discovered.

Now let’s consider the brother for a moment. He, like most of society was programmed to believe that incest is inherently bad, dysfunctional and sick. He made the assumption that most people given that programming would make, he assumed his sister was being abused. So he made the report to the cops probably believing he was protecting his sister. Misguided yes, but very understandable. As to his dropping out of school, he likely does not want to face others who might taunt him over his sister and their dad… and isn’t that a sad state of affairs. The problem is the incestophobia, not this couple.

The man admitted to police that he had had sex with his daughter twice, while the daughter said she willingly had sex with her father. She said no monetary exchange was involved and she felt happy each time after the acts.

Here we go, she was a willing participant, she felt happy about it. What more can I say other than prosecuting them is stupid, heartless, and completely unneccessary. Who has benefited from this prosecution? The state? No, it costs money to sue and imprison people. The brother? No, he’s been emotionally harmed by this as well. Society? No, because consanguinamorous couples do not harm society. Finally, the couple themselves have been harmed by this prosecution and the imprisonment of the father.

Under the Crimes Ordinance, the offence of incest carries a maximum penalty of 14 years behind bars.

Something that needs to change, there should never be a penalty attached to consensual sex of any kind. It’s ridiculous. The taboo surrounding incest creates harm, it puts barriers up so that people who really are being abused are not going to want to come forward. This whole thing stinks to high heaven, and it needs to be changed, and the sooner the better.

The impact of discrimination on mental health

I feel that this essay is probably long overdue, especially considering the results of the consanguinamory study. I was unsurprised, but still very saddened by the sheer number of people who are suffering mental health difficulties as a direct result of either fearing persecution, or actually being persecuted. Of all the people who took the survey, 56.6% reported having suffered at least one troubling mental health issue because of this, and 57.8% of those who reported a problem reported more than one problem. Needless to say this number is unacceptably, intolerably high.

As expected, anxiety (31.2% of us) and depression (15.2%) were the main problems people were experiencing. Now, I know some of our critics will be nodding their heads saying ‘see, look at your own stats, isn’t that proof that these relationships are unhealthy’… and my answer would be no, not at all. If those people could for one moment put themselves into the shoes of the average consang couple. You can’t tell others the true nature of your relationship because it might land you in jail, you have to watch your every move, you do not have the same legal rights as everyone else, the world makes horrible assumptions about people just like you. Imagine going through all that on top of the usual ups and downs which ordinarily happen within a relationship. Imagine the fear caused by bigotry and persecution, all because of who you love. If you can imagine all that, then understanding how this leads to anxiety and depression should be easy. If people are subjected to high levels of stress caused by their environment for prolonged periods of time, then it can and does lead to these sorts of problems.

What I found most troubling, was the 4.2% of us who had suicidal thoughts. This is something that people just don’t talk about, how discrimination can literally destroy people, and in extreme cases it can lead to people taking their own lives believing that it’s the only way out in a world that just refuses to accept them as they are. This may sound like a tiny percentage, but it’s about one in 21 suffering like this. In real terms, it’s a lot of people, and a lot of needless and senseless suffering. If any critics reading this have a shred of empathy, they should realize that although they may disagree with what we are, we’re human beings and their attitudes are what leads to the discrimination that hurts people, even to this extent. I doubt any decent human being would actually want to be part of a problem which can be deadly. When 4.2% of any minority has had thoughts about killing themselves, something must be done to tackle the problem. This is why I am writing this essay, to appeal to peoples common decency and empathy.

Of course, all this stress can cause a whole raft of problems for people, even when it’s not so extreme. 13% are suffering with insomnia, no doubt lying awake at night worrying about the possibility of discrimination if they’re discovered. Of course, sleep deprivation in itself can be hazardous to health in many ways, it can lead to depression, weakened immune system and impair a persons ability to function normally simply because they’re too tired to think straight.

Then there are those who get to sleep just fine, but because they are strugging to cope with the fear of discrimination, and likely push it to the back of their minds while they’re awake, it all comes out in nightmares. 8.7% of us suffer from these nightmares depicting our worst case scenarios. The mind has to process our fears and emotions somehow, and dreams are one way in which it does so.

6.9% of us suffer from panic attacks. Again, this is happening to people who try their best to hold in their emotions, but after bottling it up to a large degree the mind and body must let go of all that negativity somehow. Sometimes this is expressed as a panic attack. This is yet another way in which negativity and discrimination is impacting peoples health.

Finally, there is the 13.4% of us who suffer from mood swings. When under constant stress and living in fear, this isn’t surprising at all. In fact it’s surprising that the numbers aren’t bigger. Who doesn’t get jumpy when under pressure?

So, what can we do to combat this?

As is often the case there is no simple or quick solutions. In the long term, our plans are to remove the negativity by campaigning for equality. This will be of benefit to consang people for centuries to come, but it doesn’t do anything to help those who are suffering RIGHT NOW.

This in mind, I want every single person who is going through these problems to know that this community is here for you. We’re not therapists nor are we doctors, but we’re your fellow human beings, and we may be able to help in some small ways, even if just as a listening ear. Please, join our forum, Kindred Spirits, contact with others who are going through the same issues is of great benefit to people, you know, just being around others who understand. We have to stick together and be there for each other.

On another note there are some things you can do to help reduce your stress levels and thus decrease the risk of things getting worse:

  1. Take some time to participate in leisure activities – Anything which helps you relax or enjoy yourself. You might for instance go for a long walk to clear your head, get some other form of exercise, go our for a nice meal…etc
  2. Move someplace where nobody knows you, thus instantly decreasing the risk of being caught.
  3. Learn meditation or relaxation techniques.
  4. Take up a hobby which involves making nice things.
  5. Reduce consumption of caffeine and alcohol.
  6. Take a long bath and let the water relax you.
  7. Make your home the most relaxing space possible.
  8. Empower yourself by recognising that it’s others with the problem, NOT YOU.
  9. Make sure you eat healthily.

This isn’t an exclusive list of course, there are probably many more things you can do, but you get the general idea. Make sure you take the time to look after yourself, your physical and mental well being are important, especially for us because of the long term stress we have to endure.

Conclusion

The statistics show the extent of suffering caused by discrimination and fear of discrimination. These numbers should be considered hard proof that equal rights are needed, because discrimination ruins peoples health by exposing them to intolerable levels of stress and anguish. Just because some of us are coping okay does not make discrimination okay, because it’s far from okay, and we as a community are NOT willing to put up with it any more. We’ve been oppressed for centuries, we’re barely understood by the mainstream and a whole raft of myths are out there about us. It’s time these things came to an end… for our health at the very least.

While all the above is true, there are also things we can do to help ourselves and each other, and we should do them. We can take some responsibility for looking after ourselves by doing whatever is possible to reduce the risk of being caught, and also learning how to switch off and relax. It’s not always easy of course, and we all fall short at times and let stress get the better of us. But surely failing sometimes is better than letting ourselves be blown around in the wind feeling powerless to overcome our emotions and fears. All of us are afraid sometimes, and considering what we’re up against, it’s not at all surprising. But, it’s the difference between you controlling your fear and your fear controlling you… and that can mean the difference between coping and not coping.

Ultimately, know this: we ARE going to win this battle, no matter how long it takes. We as a community DO NOT deserve to be discriminated against, and we DO NOT deserve to suffer these mental health issues as a result of that discrimination. Our battle is a righteous one, and a very winnable one because nothing our critics have thus far put forth has actually stood up to scrutiny. Fallacies, repeating myths, and prejudice do not form legitimate arguments. Our opponents may seem strong, and they sure are numerous, but their arguments against equality hold about as much water as a paper box. So every time you feel you’re getting stressed, imagine that paper box being filled with water, and collapsing just as quickly.

Consanguinamorous Reproduction Study

Well folks, I said I was going to be doing more studies, and this is the next one in what will eventually be a long series. I have chosen to tackle this subject first because it’s one of the first things that our critics go for when objecting to making our relationships legal.

It’s completely anonymous, like the last study, and it is going to run for one year (longer if I have not collected enough data by then). This survey is only for people who have had a child through consanguinamory.

Unlike with the other study, which was just to gain some basic demographics, answers to all questions are required on this one. I realize that some of the questions may seem probing, but they’re necessary to gain a complete picture of pregnancy and reproduction via consanguinamory.

If you wish to take part in this study please CLICK HERE and just follow the instructions in the survey. Thank you in advance for your participation 🙂

Getting Caught and how to avoid it

Since doing the consanguinamory study, I have noticed that there are a LOT of topics that we need to cover more about. However this is one of the most pressing in my opinion. My study revealed that 21.4% of us are getting caught by others. This is clearly an unnacceptably high number, especially since most of us live in countries where it is illegal, and in some of those countries the penalty for incest is life in prison (the kind of sentence you’d hope would be reserved for murderers, rapists and child molesters).

People, we need to think about this, seriously think about our security. Getting caught is something that many of us get compacent about, we think ‘oh, we’ll never get caught, that’s something that happens to other people’…. but it can, and my study shows that it often does. We simply cannot afford such complacentcy, not in the current climate. All of us are potentially at risk, and this is something we have to recognize.

There are two main ways of getting caught:

Being Caught in the act

This is the worst possible way for an outsider to discover your relationship, as not only are they confronted by the fact that you are together in that way, but they also got an eyeful of something that they didn’t want to see and may in fact disgust them. Being caught in the act leaves you at their mercy, at a time when they’re likely to feel confused, angry, distressed, and possibly grossed out. If this happens you are relying soley on damage control efforts to at least get the other person not to report you to the police or tell anyone else.

Incriminating evidence

This isn’t much better to be honest, but at least the regular who discovered you didn’t get an eyeful. The sort of evidence I’m talking about is the undeniable kind, stuff like sexts being visible on your phone and then leaving said phone alone in the company of a known nosey friend or relative (okay they shouldn’t invade your privacy, but some people just don’t respect privacy), used condoms carelessly left visible in the bathroom bin when they could have come from nobody else…etc. These things are perfectly avoidable with a bit of planning and protocols in place. Again, you’re left entirely at the mercy of the person who discovered these things.

How do I avoid getting caught?

Many things on this list will seem pretty obvious, but be honest with yourself as you read them, how many of these rules are YOU breaking:

  • Do not leave any evidence of your relationship on any electronic devices. This means you have to wipe off any sexts after you’ve responded to them, lest any nosey friends or relatives need to borrow your phone for any reason.
  • Do not leave any evidence of your relationship on social media. Yes, this does mean you have to refrain from constantly talking about your other half, but really, if you don’t want to arouse suspicion, then don’t post stuff on your status that might indicate that you’re more than family.
  • Make sure you’re not seen. This is very obvious, but some people don’t take proper precautions in the heat of the moment, especially not after a good night out. If you’ve got a lock on your door, use it. Don’t be noisy if you’re sharing a house with others, don’t have sex outdoors or in the car…etc. I know it might seem like I’m being boring and preaching to the choir, but it’s extremely important and I feel the need to say these things.
  • Be careful how you act around each other in public. I know it can be hard, but switch to being in ‘family mode’ when these others are around. So no holding hands, cuddling up to each other, and definitely no snogging. This rule applies most obviously when you’re around others who know you as family, but also in situations where it is possible to run into others who know you as family too, say for instance if you’re out together in the local town center. The rule can however be dropped if you’re someplace where NOBODY knows you, like if you go away on holiday to another country.
  • If you share a house together make sure that you have a ‘room each’ for show at least, and tell people that you’re sharing to keep costs down. It’s a believable lie and nobody will question it.
  • Avoid telling your children (I’m assuming here that they’re minors, not adult children), kids have a way of letting the truth slip, and at a tender age it is most unfair to burden them with your secret. But if they already know, you MUST stress on them the need to keep it quiet and explain to them that some people wouldn’t approve of the relationship and it could get you into trouble.
  • Seems obvious, but tell nobody if at all possible. The fewer people know, the safer you are.

This is a pretty good checklist for a starting point, think about what you’re doing and do not succumb to complatentcy, it CAN happen, to any of us.

I’ve already been caught, what should I do?

If despite your best attempts to keep your relationship a secret, you’ve been discovered anyway, there are a few things you can do.

First of all: DON’T PANIC. Not everyone is against us, and even some of those who disapprove may realize that reporting you is not the answer.

Encourage the person who has found you out to to ask questions, and answer those questions honestly. This gives the other person the chance to gain some understanding and possibly become more supportive. Remember, this person is probably worried that one of you is some kind of ‘victim’, this is your chance to show that this isn’t the case, and that your relationship is perfectly healthy. Such reassurance can make the difference between you being reported or not.

At this stage it’s about damage control at first, but more than that, it’s about showing that person that there isn’t anything wrong with you both, or your relationship. It is showing them that love is love, and that all love deserves equality. If this approach is taken, it could turn their shock into their support. Of course, don’t get preachy about it, just let them see you for who you really are.

I repeat, the best way to stay safe is to not get caught in the first place, but if you are, let them ask questions, answer them honestly and GIVE THEM TIME to digest the information.

One day this will cease to be an issue, but for now it is one, and a pretty large one in my opinion. Stay safe out there people 🙂

The Consanguinamory Study Analysis

Well guys, here it is, the long awaited results of my study:


General Information

The purpose of the study was to gain some insight into the composition and attitudes of the consanguinamory community, in addition to exploring the extent of suffering caused by incestophobic attitudes in society.

The questions were presented in multiple choice format on Surveyplanet, and the participants were able to choose more than one answer on some questions where this was applicable. Participants were also able to skip questions that did not apply to them, or they did not wish to answer.

The survey was online for one year, and generated 164 responses, 5 of which were ‘blank’ surveys where the participant filled out no questions. I can only speculate that those viewers may simply have been curious, but as no questions were answered by them I have chosen to exclude these ‘blanks’ from the overall data pool. So my working sample size is 159 people, the majority of which answered most if not all of the questions.

What’s your approximate age?

Under 25s: 30 (18.9%)

26 – 35: 43 (27%)

36 – 45: 31 (19.5%)

46 – 55: 27 (17%)

56 – 65: 17 (10.7%)

66 – 75: 8 (5%)

75 or older: 3 (1.9%)

This is pretty much what I expected to see, a pretty reasonable spread of people from all ages, but less so from older people. I don’t think that this is indicative of the older generation having less consang people within it (human nature after all does not vary much if at all between the generations), only of the fact that a smaller percentage of them are inclined towards using modern technology and the internet, this would reduce the probability of an older person who has been involved finding my survey.

All participants answered this question.

What’s your gender?

Male: 104 (65.8%)

Female: 54 (34.2%)

Intersex: 0

This result surprised me somewhat, I was expecting a roughly 50:50 split of men and women. I do not know why this result has happened, but I can speculate that it is possible that more women were cautious about taking the survey than men, or that more of my readers are male. In any case it’s interesting to think about.

Only one participant did not answer this question.

How would you define your sexuality?

Heterosexual: 107

Homosexual: 5

Bisexual: 36

Pansexual: 6

Monogamous 30

Polyamorous: 30

Being a multiple choice question, people could pick more than one option. I did this purposefully to allow people the opportunity to define themselves more fully.

As expected, the majority of people were heterosexual and a small number were homosexual, which is exactly what we see in the general population. What did surprise me was the number of bisexuals, I do not know if this is unique to our community, or if bisexuality really is this common in the general population but perhaps less talked about. Many bisexuals are assumed heterosexual if they are in a relationship with a member of the opposite sex.

I was expecting also a greater number of people to specify if they were monogamous or polyamorous. As it turns out less than half specified and of those that did both options got 30 hits apiece. I do not know if this 50:50 split by those who chose one or the other is significant at this point or not. It is assumed that most people are monogamous, but perhaps that is just that, an assumption.

In hindsight, I probably should have put the straight/bi//pan/gay options in a separate question to the mono-poly options, thus enticing more people to specify mono or poly. I will bear this in mind for any further surveys and perhaps gain a more accurate picture.

One participant did not answer this question.

How would you describe your approximate income?

Always Skint: 10

Just Enough: 40

Comfortable: 53

Enough and a few luxuries: 30

Well off: 22

Very Wealthy: 2

Again this is what I expected, for most people to have enough to get by or a little bit more with a few people being either at the poorer or the richer end of the scale. I deliberately kept the question vague because I didn’t want the participants to feel like I was prying too much (income after all is a personal question). But this serves it’s purpose, it demonstrates that most of us have enough money and that some of us are able to enjoy a lifestyle that is more than just meeting out basic needs.

Two participants did not answer the question.

What’s your level of education?

Dropped out of High School: 3 (1.9%)

Finished High School with some Qualifications: 39 (24.7%)

Went to College: 44 (27.8%)

Went to University: 72 (45.6%)

This one will be a shocker to the outside world, but it is no surprise to me. Contrary to societal stereotyping of us as backward hillbillies, and general losers in life, this demonstrates that we are in fact an intelligent group of people, with over 73% of us continuing our education after completing high school. I really wish I knew where the ridiculous stereotype of us as thick people came from in the first place, and now we have some hard evidence saying otherwise.

One participant did not answer this question.

Is incest legal in your country?

Yes: 13

No: 136

Don’t know: 9

This is pretty much what I expected since most participants are from Westernised countries and incest is illegal in most of those. I do however find it pretty concerning that some people who have been involved don’t know whether or not they’re breaking the law (and thus would need to hide). If anything, this means that we as the leaders of the consanguinamory community need to do more to raise awareness of our legal status in different locations. Every single person involved in consanguinamory needs to know whether they need to hide if they wish to remain where they are (some may have not choice due to existing obligations), and where to go to if they do not wish a life of hiding. This is a matter of staying safe.

One participant did not answer this question.

Is your consanguinamorous relationship current or in the past?

Current: 91

Past: 58

As expected, a greater number of people currently in relationships took part in the study. This was not a great surprise as many people whose relationships end leave the community, sometimes for good. However, for some people, it can be good to be around others who understand even if you’re no longer in a consanguinamorous relationship.

Eleven participants did not answer this question.

Was it GSA or Non-GSA?

GSA: 43 (27.4%)

Non-GSA: 114 (72.6%)

You know, I had a debate about this with The Final Manifesto when I first returned to the community. The main reason I included this question was to settle the debate, I was quite curious. He had theorized that non-GSA would be the most common, and at the time, I disagreed with him because I was expecting a 50:50 split for for GSA to be more common (based on the fact that GSA people tend to be more prominent and vocal within the community, especially on Facebook). However, this result proves conclusively that he was right and I wasn’t!

11 people did not answer the question.

Now, using these statistics, I am going to calculate an estimate of a previously UNKNOWN statistic… the percentage of people who are consanguinamorous. And to do this, we need some other external statistics.

Adoption rate: In the USA it is 2.5% according to THIS SOURCE. I see no reason that this rate would vary much for other countries.

Reunion rate: I was unable to find a statistic on this, but for the purposes of this approximation, I will assume 50%. I can always do a recalculation of this turns out at some later time to be way off base. When the real statistic is known, I will recalculate to update the estimate anyway, because a calculation using a known statistic is going to be more accurate than one in which assumptions have been made to make the calculation possible.

GSA rate: It is known that 50% of reunited relatives experience GSA.

So let’s calculate the percentage of people in GSA relationships first:

2.5% / 2 / 2 = 0.625%

To calculate non-GSA:

0.625%/27.4 x 72.6 = 1.66%

Now add both figures together to provide the total number:

1.66% + 0.625% = 2.28%

Although this is at this point a very speculative calculation, it does fall within the ballpark figure I was expecting of between 1% and 5%. I had previously estimated that the consanguinamory rate to be within this range simply because all other non-standard orientations exist within the range and I saw no reason why we would be any different. While this calculation provides an educated estimate only (seeing that the reunion rate is currently unknown and 50% is pure guesswork on my part, meaning that is lies in the middle of the possible maximum and minimum values), it proves my hypothesis correct. It also proves right something that Keith said ‘everyone knows somebody involved’… now if you know 50 people (and I guarantee that you do unless you’re some kind of recluse who spends 90% of their life in the basement hooked to video games or something), then you know somebody who is consanguinamorous. If you know 100 people then statistically, you know two! Bottom line: incest is NOT a rare occurrence, not by a long shot. It is simply well hidden and not talked about. We can now safely say this with some statistical backing.

What kind of relationship was it?

Brother/Sister: 77 (48%)

Brother/Brother: 3 (2%)

Sister/Sister: 9 (6%)

Mother/Son: 37 (23%)

Mother/Daughter: 3 (2%)

Father/Daughter: 26 (16%)

Father/Son: 2 (1%)

Aunt/Nephew: 5 (3%)

Aunt/Niece: 1 (1%)

Uncle/Niece: 2 (1%)

Uncle/Nephew: 5 (3%)

Cousins (m/f): 32 (20%)

Cousins (m/m): 0

Cousins (f/f): 1 (1%)

Other: 10 (6%)

Consolidation stats:

Siblings total: 89 (56%)

Maternal total: 40 (25%)

Paternal total: 28 (18%)

Parent/Offspring total: 68 (43%)

Aunts total: 6 (4%)

Uncles total: 7 (4%)

Cousins total: 33 (21%)

This question allowed multiple choice answers, as some people had experienced more than one consanguinamorous relationship. This allowed the participants to list the ones that they had been involved in.

These results throw up some expected results, but also some surprising ones. It will probably come as no shock that relationships between siblings is by far the most common form that consanguinamory takes. I was expecting Maternal and Paternal relationships to occur at roughly the same rate, however this study has revealed that Mother/Son relationships are the most frequently occurring of all the cross generational possibilities. I was also expecting consanguinamory with aunts and uncles to be more common than it actually is.

The ‘Other’ option was for people involved with step relatives, adopted relatives, and in laws where they were legally family but there was no actual blood relation.

After entering the data into the spreadsheet, I got this information from it:

Total number of people involved in ONE consanguinamorous relationship: 123 (77%)

Total number involved in MULTIPLE consanguinamorous relationships: 36 (23%)

Total number involved with FIRST DEGREE relatives: 141 (89%)

Total number involved with SECOND DEGREE relatives: 13 (8%)

Total number involved with THIRD DEGREE relatives: 30 (19%)

Now. Just out of interest, let’s see how many GSA vs NON-GSA persons have been involved with more than one consanguinamorous relationship.

GSA: 6 (14% of GSA)

Non-GSA: 32 (28% of non-GSA)

Very interesting. Non-GSA people are twice as likely to experience more than one type of consanguinamory. I believe that this is some evidence to support our claim that consanguinamory is an orientation. Non-GSA people, lacking Westermarck altogether, may or may not have a genetic component, until scientific research is done in this area we will not know. However, these statistics would indicate that consanguinamorous orientation may run in families since 28% have had more than one consang relationship, vs only 14% of GSA persons. Most GSA people DO experience Westermarck effect, but for the adoptive rather than their biological families.

What type of relationship was it?

Spousal: 64 (43.2%)

Family with Benefits: 84 (56.8%)

I can’t really say I am particularly surprised by this result, mostly because of the prejudice people would hide more easily as being family with benefits than they would as being a couple. Let’s see what else I can discover.

GSA Spousal: 25 (58%)

GSA Family with Benefits: 15 (35%)

Non-GSA Spousal: 40 (35%)

Non-GSA Family with Benefits: 67 (59%)

Remainder of each did not specify relationship type.

This is truly a remarkable result. It shows that GSA people are more likely than non-GSA to form spousal type relationships, where non-GSA are more likely to opt for a family with benefits arrangement. While this isn’t much of a surprise to me, what IS a surprise is how GSA and non-GSA are almost perfect mirrors in terms of these percentages. Whether this is in any way significant I do not know.

Siblings Spousal: 37 (42%)

Siblings Family with Benefits: 50 (56%)

Parent/Offspring Spousal: 24 (35%)

Parent/Offspring Family with Benefits: 30 (44%)

Aunts and Uncles Spousal: 3 (23%)

Aunts and Uncles Family with Benefits: 8 (61%)

Cousins Spousal: 6 (18%)

Cousins Family with Benefits: 18 (55%)

This set of data is particularly interesting, it shows that consang people are more likely to form spousal relationships with immediate relatives than they are more distant relatives.

Lets see how many of each option were GSA and Non-GSA to see if we can spot a pattern. For the purposes of this small section, any relationships where the participant did not include either whether it was GSA or non-GSA, spousal or family with benefits, or siblings/parent-offspring…etc is excluded. Percentages are calculated as per those who made the specifications. So the results may not be 100% accurate, although I would consider them strong indicators of what’s going on.

Siblings

GSA Spousal: 15 (58%)

GSA Family with Benefits: 11 (42%)

Non-GSA Spousal: 20 (32%)

Non-GSA Family with Benefits: 42 (68%)

Almost twice the percentage of GSA siblings get into a spousal relationship than non-GSA siblings. This is interesting.

Spousal Total: 15+20=35 (40%)

Family with Benefits Total: 11+42=53 (60%)

Parent/Offspring

GSA Spousal: 8 ( 62%)

GSA Family with Benefits: 5 (38%)

Non-GSA Spousal: 15 (38%)

Non-GSA Family with Benefits: 24 (62%)

You know, this is uncanny, there is the GSA/Non-GSA perfect mirror AGAIN when you look at the percentages involved. Does it mean anything? I don’t know. All I can tell you for sure is that GSA people are more likely to form spousal relationships with their parents than non-GSA.

If we go by total percentages:

Spousal Total: 15+8=23 (44%)

Family with Benefits Total: 5+24=29 (56%)

Aunts and Uncles

GSA Spousal: 0

GSA Family with Benefits: 0

Non-GSA Spousal: 3 (25%)

Non-GSA Family with Benefits: 9 (75%)

I find it interesting that there was no instances of GSA relationships involved, I have no idea why this may be, other than the fact that the sample size was too small perhaps. That said, of the non-GSA relationships, 75% of them were family with benefits and only 25% were Spousal.

Cousins

GSA Spousal: 2 (33.3%)

GSA Family with Benefits: 4 (66.6%)

Non-GSA Spousal: 5 (23%)

Non-GSA Family with Benefits: 17 (77%)

So let’s look at the totals:

Spousal total: 7 (25%)

Family with Benefits total: 21 (75%)

So this is exactly the same totals we are getting from Aunts and Uncles.

Overall:

Consang people are as a whole more likely to form spousal relationships with their immediate relatives than they are with somebody more distantly related. Parent/offspring relationships have the greatest percentages of spousal relationships, particularly when those relationships are GSA. The greatest percentage of family with benefits relationships are non-GSA second and third degree relatives.

How Long were you together for?

Under a year: 42

1-5 years: 51

6-10 years: 22

11-15 years: 17

16-20 years: 13

21-25 years: 1

26-30 years: 3

31-35 years: 1

36-40 years: 0

Over 40 years: 2

These stats may look abysmal for the prospects of long term relationships, HOWEVER, remember how few older people took the study! So the outlook may not be as bleak as these statistics suggest.

Let’s take a quick look to see how long relationships which were in the past have lasted:

Under a year: 13

1-5 years: 27

6-10 years: 6

11-15 years: 4

16-20 years: 3

21-25 years: 0

26-30 years: 0

31-35 years: 0

36-40 years: 0

Over 40 years: 1

It seems that the average duration of consang relationships has been 1-5 years.

Was your family member your first sexual partner?

Yes: 68 (43.9%)

No: 87 (56.1%)

This means that for just under 44% of us chose to lose our virginity to a family member, where the other 56% of us had relationships with somebody else first. Since it’s quite common for siblings to experiment, this result doesn’t surprise me in the least.

Has your family member been your only sexual partner?

Yes: 21 (13.8%)

No: 131 (86.2%)

This was an expected result, most of us have tried regular relationships at some point, with a smaller but significant number of us choosing not to despite massive external pressure that we ‘should’ date in the conventional sense of the word. I would wager that without such pressure, more of us, especially non-GSA people probably wouldn’t want to ‘date’ regulars.

Have you ever shared a house together (growing up together under the same roof doesn’t count!)?

Yes: 67 (42.9%)

No: 89 (57.1%)

This is a very significant statistic, with more of us sharing a house together than I expected. I had expected the statistic to be lower for the simple reason that it’s easier to hide a relationship when you’re living separately and fewer people would ask questions. However, when living together, having a ‘room each’ and sharing to keep costs down, especially in the current economic climate, are valid explanations for nosey friends and relatives. So despite the added risk of sharing a house, almost 43% of us chose to do it.

Have you any children?

Yes, and my relative is their father/mother: 22 (14%)

Yes, with somebody who isn’t related: 42 (26.8%)

No: 93 (59.2%)

59% of us have either not had children yet, or have chosen not to have any. Of those who did have children, approximately a third of us chose to have them with a relative and two thirds of us had them with unrelated persons. In hindsight I should have asked whether any of those children had any difficulties or complications and compared that result with the average rate of complications in the general population. I will do another study to assess this and attempt to determine the true rate of disability or complications arising from incestuous reproduction. When I do, it should put the nail in the coffin for the mutant babies myth.

How would you describe your relationship?

Loving and Healthy: 111 (72.5%)

Loving but sometimes Dysfunctional: 35 (22.9%)

A nightmare at times: 7 (4.6%)

This is very good news, with over 70% of us being in loving and healthy relationships, it proves conclusively that consanguinamory is NOT by default abusive or unhealthy. actually it is loving and healthy MOST OF THE TIME with some people having problems some of the time, and a small number having major problems. This is mirroring what you would expect to see in any other type of relationship.

How do you feel about being consanguinamorous?

I’m comfortable with it and wouldn’t change it even if I could: 128 (82.1%)

I’m okay about it but it would have been easier if I wasn’t: 24 (15.4%)

I wish I wasn’t because people aren’t meant to feel like this towards family members: 4 (2.6%)

Again, this is excellent news. It means that despite societal brainwashing, all the hate poured onto us, over 80% of us are comfortable with our identity and orientation. Most of the rest of us still feel okay about being what we are, but are less comfortable mostly due to external pressure to be ‘normal’. A small number of us have been unable to shake off society’s brainwashing and thus cannot feel comfortable with that we are. It is these people who we need to help the most.

Do you ever feel ashamed of your sexuality?

Yes, often: 2 (1.3%)

Yes, Sometimes: 20 (12.7%)

Yes, occasionally: 20 (12.7%)

Never: 116 (73.4%)

This is remarkably encouraging and again shows how comfortable we are with who we are. That said, there is still a long way to go, no person should ever have to feel ashamed because of their orientation, and it’s something we have to work on to get everyone feeling good and confident about their identity. Shame should be on our oppressors, not on us!

Do you fear being caught?

No, we’re too careful: 39 (29.3%)

Yes, Occasionally: 38 (57.7%)

Yes, All the time: 24 (15.6%)

We’ve actually been caught: 33 (21.4%)

This worries me somewhat, that so many people have been caught, especially given the legal ramifications that could arise if the wrong person found out. Maybe there is an overall feeling that ‘it won’t happen to us’ going on with some people, and these are the ones likely to slip up and get caught. As a community we need to be vigilant in the current climate until we get the laws changed at least. I believe we have much work to do in this area and I cannot stress enough how careful we need to be. It’s not right or fair for sure, but it’s something we have to do I’m afraid.

Do you feel that there is anything wrong with being consanguinamorous?

No: 134 (85.4%)

Maybe, I’m not sure: 21 (13.4%)

Yes, it’s not normal: 2 (1.3%)

Another very encouraging result. Again it speaks to our comfort level with our identity, and the majority KNOW that there is nothing wrong with them. There is still work to be done for sure, but this shows how we as a people are heading in the right direction with how we regard ourselves as a minority group.

Do you ever have fears that you might be some kind of pervert?

No, I know I’m not: 111 (70.3%)

Not normally, but I get occasional bouts of self-doubt: 33 (20.9%)

Yes, sometimes: 13 (8.2%)

I feel that way all the time: 1 (0.6%)

Again, generally encouraging, but this does show how some of the brainwashing is getting through. Tell people often enough that they’re perverts and some of them might start to believe it. We’re doing incredibly well in such a hostile world, but I still feel we need to do more to ensure that NOBODY thinks that they’re perverted just because of who they love.

Do you ever feel that you may be coercing your partner simply because you’re related?

No, I know I’m not: 133 (85.3%)

Occasionally: 18 (11.5%)

Sometimes: 5 (3.2%)

All the time: 0

I included this question and the following one because there is a perception in society that we must be coercing our relatives or being coerced. Not only is that a ridiculous assertion, but it’s harmful because it leads to some people subconsciously accepting it as true and thereby not accepting themselves.

This is an extremely encouraging result yet again, proving that most of us have by now realized that what society says about us is completely off-base with the reality. That so many people in perfectly healthy relationships are even occasionally feeling this way shows the power of subconscious programming at work, and it’s something we must work on as a community to ensure that people aren’t feeling like this.

Do you ever feel that your partner might be coercing you without either of you realizing?

No, I’d realize if I was being: 137 (89%)

Occasionally: 10 (6.5%)

Sometimes: 6 (3.9%)

All the time: 1 (0.6%)

Wow, what a victory this result is, nearly 9 out of 10 of us know with certainty that we aren’t being coerced. Final nail in the coffin for those who accuse us of manipulating our relatives or being manipulated by them. Don’t you just love these myth-busting results?

What’s your take on society’s attitude towards consanguinamory?

It’s bigoted, irrational and hateful: 59 (38.1%)

They only hate us because they don’t understand us yet: 50 (32.3%)

I can see some of their points, but I think their reactions are pretty extreme: 45 (29%)

I wish they weren’t, but I think they may be right: 1 (0.6%)

So, the most common result is that it’s bigoted, irrational and hateful, and the second most common acknowledging that much of the hate is due to us not being understood yet. It’s a proven fact again and again throughout history, people who aren’t understood are often marginalized and hated… and this is EXACTLY what has happened to us.

Do you think that the law in all countries should be changed to allow consanguinamorous relationships and marriage?

Definitely yes: 122 (77.2%)

Maybe, I’m not sure: 33 (20.9%)

No, that could be a bad idea: 3 (1.9%)

This goes to show how much we want our freedom and equal rights. And you know what, we have every right to be treated with the same dignity and respect as any other group of consenting adults. This isn’t a big ask, it’s just asking to be treated the same as everyone else. Our demands are simple, and they are morally right.

That some people aren’t sure is likely down to the fact that they’re feeling some level of discomfort within themselves about their identity and are still questioning whether it makes them ‘wrong’ in some way.

Have you ever suffered from any of the following problems as a result of persecution or fear of persecution (click all that apply)?

Panic Attacks: 16 (6.9%)

Anxiety: 72 (31.2%)

Mood swings: 31 (13.4%)

Depression: 25 (15.2%)

Nightmares: 16 (6.9%)

Vivid and disturbing daydreams depicting your worst fears: 20 (8.7%)

Insomnia: 30 (13%)

Suicidal thoughts: 11 (4.8%)

Number of people who skipped this question: 69 (43.4%)

Number of people who answered: 90 (56.6%)

Number of people who experienced more than one of these difficulties: 52 (57.8% of those with any kind of difficulty)

If anything highlighted the harm that prejudice and persecution does to people, THIS is it! It saddens me no end that so many people are suffering like this despite feeling okay about being what they are. Actually, it makes me so mad, so angry at society for putting this kind of pressure on innocent people. That 4.8% have suicidal thoughts as a result of either fearing persecution or actually being persecuted is very worrying.

You know, it goes to show how important it is to have contact with other consang people, to really be there for each other and offer a shoulder to cry on when things get tough. We NEED each other, to lend each other our strength, our advice, our time. This is what it means to be a persecuted minority in the world. It’s very important that we’re there for each other, often it’s the case that only another consang is able to help and REALLY get it and understand.

In general, do you feel that there is enough information out there on the internet about consanguinamory?

No, not by a long shot: 85 (54.5%)

Not Quite, but there is more than there was so it’s improving: 67 (42.9%)

Yes, there is: 4 (2.6%)

I asked this primarily because I wanted to gauge how people perceived the amount of information presently available and if by and large people feel that they needed more. From these results it seems that we DO need to do more, perhaps a LOT more.

Do you feel that the current blogs provide relevant and useful resources for people struggling with their sexuality?

Yes, it’s very useful: 89 (57.1%)

Maybe, I’m not sure: 60 (38.5%)

No, not at all: 7 (4.5%)

It seems that by and large we’re reaching people at least to some degree, and quite a few to a large degree, however it does indicate that more needs to be done in this area. We as community leaders are listening and we will respond to the results of this survey to ensure that this improves.

Do you think that the blogs portray an accurate picture of what it’s like to be in a consanguine relationship?

Very Much so: 64 (41.3%)

Sort of: 85 (54.8%)

No, not at all accurate: 6 (3.9%)

So by and large we’re presenting ourselves accurately, at least somewhat. However I think there must be something that we’re missing here. Maybe some people are having experiences which are not often talked about or we’ve just not covered some issues that need covering. If this is the case then I would urge any of the readers to get in touch with one of us and tell us what it is that we need to write about. It’s important that we cover issues from all angles and from all parts of the community. Our e-mail addresses are all available on our websites and we’re all open to letters, questions and requests from our readership.

What is your views on ‘incest porn’?

It’s insulting and degrading: 19 (12.1%)

I watch them but I can understand why some people get upset: 43 (27.4%)

I watch them and can’t see what the problem is: 59 (37.6%)

I don’t have an opinion because I don’t watch them: 36 (22.9%)

As expected, most of us have seen at least some incest porn, for those who have been around incest communities for a long time (especially non-GSA people) have likely seen some whether we wanted to or not. A smaller but significant number of us find it insulting and degrading, where a larger number watch it but understand why some people get upset. Incest porn contains usually a ridiculous number of overdone cliches, and shows very little character development and extremely unlikely scenarios (such as seeing a relative naked and/or masturbating, and then they have sex… and boy hasn’t that scenario inspired a lot of fake posts on the r/incest Reddit, and historically most other forums) This isn’t exclusive to incest porn it’s something that happens in porn in general. It is after all made to get people turned on, and it doesn’t surprise me that so many of us watch it because I feel that a lot of people will watch porn which aligns with their orientation.

Most of us can’t see a problem with the porn, and that’s probably because it’s just fantasy, even some regulars don’t mind watching for that very reason! That nearly 23% of us don’t watch it is likely because they’re probably not inclined to watching porn in a more general sense, not everyone wants to watch it or feels the need to watch it.

Would you ever join a non-porn forum like Kindred Spirits?

Yes, I’m a member already: 66 (42.3%)

I might: 77 (49.4%)

No, forums aren’t my thing: 13 (8.3%)

It’s encouraging that most people are either members currently or are at least open to the idea of joining. I can appreciate though that some people just aren’t open to the idea, forums aren’t for everyone after all, different people prefer to communicate in different ways.

Would you ever join the ‘I Support Full Marriage Equality’ Facebook group?

Yes, I’m already a member: 32 (20.6%)

I might, but I would have to create a fake name for it first: 64 (41.3%)

No, I don’t trust social media: 59 (38.1%)

This doesn’t surprise me at all. There is a perception, and not altogether unfounded, that Facebook is in league with government snoops. While such snooping has been sold to the public as a counter terrorism measure for catching potential jihadists, unfortunately it’s morphed by and large into mass surveillance. While it’s important to put things into perspective and realize that government has a finite amount of resources for surveillance and that it can’t possibly monitor every person all the time, I can fully understand and appreciate why this puts people off reaching out to us on such a platform even when using a fake name. It is illegal for most of us to be in these relationships and for that very reason I can see why the surveillance can be seen as a massive issue for us.

Which Blog is your favourite?

Full Marriage Equality: 73 (39.2%)

The Final Manifesto: 16 (8.6%)

Consanguinamory Blog: 59 (31.7%)

Lilys Gardener: 22 (11.8%)

Other: 16 (8.6%)

This is interesting, Keiths blog is the most popular, which is to be expected because he has been around the longest. That my blog is the second most popular has surprised me, I’ve not been at it for anywhere near as long and my writing style is quite different to Keiths. The Final Manifesto would likely have got higher ratings if he had been around more, but he was unable to be due to other commitments in the offline world, so if I were him I wouldn’t be too disappointed, his ratings will improve as he becomes more available. Cristinas blog netted a decent result, she doesn’t write as much but what she does produce is of high quality and usually very important.

Would you consider doing any online activism for the cause yourself?

No, it’s too risky: 75 (48.7%)

Yes, as long as I can protect myself from state snooping: 65 (42.2%)

I’m already doing it: 14 (9.1%)

With the state snooping issue I am not surprised that so many people are discouraged from getting involved. That over 9% of us are in some way involved in activism for us is a promising sign, it shows determination and strength of character to do what is necessary despite the obvious and unavoidable risks. Not every act of activism needs to be as bold as setting up a blog and becoming a prominent figure in the community, that’s not for everyone, I get that. But minds are changed one by one, and even as little as joining in an online debate or responding to ignorant and hateful posts can be considered activism.

Do you think that the online activism is going to make enough of a difference in the world?

Absolutely yes, you guys are doing a great job: 27 (17.4%)

I’d like to think so, I’m quietly hopeful: 84 (54.2%)

I doubt it, but good on you for trying: 39 (29.2%)

No, It’s a lost cause: 5 (3.2%)

This shows that the mood is generally optimistic, and that people are putting their faith in us as leaders to make the change possible. That’s a good sign. I’m not surprised though that some people think it won’t make a difference, we’ve been a downtrodden and horrendously misunderstood minority for so long and the prejudice is so deeply engrained that it’s impossible to shift. That said, how it is for us right now, is how it was for gays less than 100 years ago, look at how far they’ve come. If they can do it, then so can we! We ARE standing up for our rights at long last, we will reach hearts and minds the world over. We ARE the change.

Which topics do you think we need to cover more about?

Relationship advice: 68 (19.8%)

Legal issues: 67 (19.5%)

How to avoid getting caught: 36 (10.5%)

Dispelling Myths: 80 (23.3%)

Tackling Prejudice: 57 (16.6%)

I think you’ve got all bases well covered pretty well: 36 (10.5%)

This is such a good spread that it shows that we probably need to do a bit more on all of these topics. I do however feel that avoiding getting caught is probably a bigger issue than our readers believe that it is, considering how over 20% of us actually get caught! We definitely need to pad out our legal issues too, as currently we’re thinner on that than we should be.

What did you think of this survey?

It’s good, you should get plenty of good information from it: 135 (87.1%)

It’s good, but it was too long: 12 (7.7%)

I can’t see the relevance of the questions: 6 (3.9%)

I was bored by the end: 2 (1.3%)

So, overall people had a positive experience filling out the survey, that’s good news for me because I do plan to do more of them. The next ones I will do will be shorter and more focused on specific areas instead of being a massive survey like this one which was just intended to collect general information. Hopefully now, those who didn’t see the relevance of the questions will see the relevance now.

Overall conclusions and notes:

I’m really glad that so many people are comfortable with their orientation and that they’ve been able to be so despite the odds being stacked so heavily against us. We’re an amazing, strong and vibrant people, and the results of this survey prove that. The unnecessary suffering caused by our persecution must stop, because the persecution must stop, we deserve better and we will not rest until that happens.

I’d also like to thank everyone who took part for making this possible, it’s been an interesting analysis and I hope that the results are going to go a long way towards dispelling some of the myths about consanguinamorous people.

Jane Doe

Consanguinamory Study now CLOSED

The Consaguinamory Study is now closed having been run for one year. There has been 164 responses in total, which is a larger sample size than I expected, so thanks to all those of you who participated in the study. I will be publishing the results within the next few days once my analysis of the data is complete. After that point my usual posting habits will resume 🙂

When is it safe to let my guard down?

This is a very pertinent question for most of our people, for the simple reason that revealing ones identity to the wrong person could be potentially catastrophic. While the very safest option would be to never give out any real-world details, in some instances it may be appropriate or even desirable to do so.

So, when can we trust? Difficult to answer definitively, but I think we should run by this checklist before deciding to open up to somebody or not:

  1. How long have you had an online friendship with this person? Obviously it’s different sharing personal data with someone you’ve known for months than somebody you pretty much just met. I’d advise erring on the side of caution, and not sharing any such information with people until you know them well enough. Depending on how much you communicate, it may be a matter of months, or it may not be for years.
  2. How much have they revealed about themselves? If you’ve been chatting for a while then you should know a great deal about them. If they aren’t forthcoming about themselves then this may indicate a red flag. Genuine friendships go two ways.
  3. Has this person ever asked you for identifiable information out of the blue? If so this is a red flag, the person may well be a cop.
  4. Has this person asked for ‘pics’ [of a sexual nature or depicting nudity] out of the blue? If so then this person is extremely likely to be a fetishist, so if you’re looking for an offline friend in the community who really understands… this isn’t it.
  5. What sort of vibe do you get from them? Don’t disclose anything to anyone you suspect of being a spy or a possible pervert. While gut instinct is not 100% accurate, it’s often reliable and you should trust it when it senses danger.
  6. Have you had any video chats with the person? If you have, you’ll be able to tell more about them than just writing on a screen, and you’ll have more of an inclination as to whether or not they are the type of person you would want to reveal any personal info to.
  7. Why are you thinking about sharing such information? Do you plan on meeting this person offline?

This list covers when you shouldn’t reveal your information to another person online, but I think we need to talk about journalists as well. Journalists are duty bound to keep private their sources details, HOWEVER, this duty can be overturned by courts who may subpoena the information from a journalist against their will. Such a journalist would likely go to prison for refusing to answer the demands of such a subpoena. This puts him in the impossible position of either keeping his honor and integrity intact, or obeying a court order. For this reason, if you do choose to share your story with a journalist, do as I do, do it on an anonymous basis only. Not only does this protect you, but the journalist as well. He can’t be subpoenaed for information he doesn’t have in the first place. You’ll discover that most journalists who work for a company will be unable to meet these requirements because of the contractual constraints put upon them by their employers. However, many independent journalists are far more flexible in this regard, and these are the ones to work with.

There is another category of person with which I would operate on the exact same basis as a journalist, and that is anyone doing studies on us. It is very possible to answer questionnaires and even write about your circumstances in detail without having to provide any real world information. To anyone conducting a study, it should be the information that you’re going to be providing that is important rather than the identity of the participants. Again, NOT giving out such info protects both yourself, and the person doing the study.

All in all I think most of this is just applying a bit of common sense and caution. It’s a system which allows you to share info with others when it’s safe but at the same time to protect yourself. Whatever you choose to do, stay safe out there.

Patience (for talking with those who don’t accept us) – By Rainy

Rainy posted this at Kindred Spirits, with her permission I’ve reposted it here.
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Many people in my life see changing others like “chiseling statues from stones”. But people aren’t stone, we’re flesh and blood. Using a chisel & hammer doesn’t change us, it harms us. People say “you can’t force someone to change”. And you can’t.

But, we can help people change themselves.Genuine change doesn’t happen overnight. People won’t if they’re not ready – and some never are. We can’t force a captain to change course, but we can be a lighthouse in the darkness. The rest is up to them.

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Know Yourself
Ignorance is like a dark cave. If we don’t truly know ourselves, we can become as lost in it as those we guide. Our judgment becomes obscured by buried feelings, false conclusions we were taught and internalised, and personality aspects we never explored. We become vulnerable to uncaring people who perceive that which we’ve hidden from ourselves, and who won’t hesitate in harmfully using their knowledge. Knowing yourself can be scary, because our faults aren’t pretty and accepting them isn’t easy. But, if we don’t accept them, we can’t address them nor truly love ourselves for who we are. They don’t disappear, and self-ignorance becomes one of them.
My approach is:
* Remember I’m not as bad – or good – as anyone says I am. Or, if you prefer, “Memento Mori”.
* Reflect (but not dwell) on my past & motives. Why did or didn’t I do certain things? My past gives context to my present.
* Remind myself “no one’s perfect, I am as deserving of love & understanding as other people”.
* Imagine I’m observing a stranger, who’s really me in disguise. How do I feel about this stranger and her behaviour? Can I say “I accept & love you for who you are” to that same stranger? If I can’t, I’ve a problem, because I can’t run from myself.
* List my virtues & vices. Vices are often virtues which have fallen from grace.
* List my likes & dislikes, so I know I’m not tabula rasa. Blank slates don’t have opinions. I don’t need an opinion on everyone, and I’m sure not everyone wants to hear them, but I like knowing where I stand & what I enjoy.
* Talk to others about self-acceptance, especially if I’m having trouble. Sometimes a stranger can see what I can’t.
* Practice self-honesty by confronting what I fear about myself (if this is scary, that’s okay; you’re ready when you’re ready). My fears may or may not be justified, but there’s only one way I can know for certain.

Like so many things, self-acceptance grows with time. If you already know yourself though, then…

Be Yourself
We change others by being who we are. Isn’t that something? People naturally imprint on each other, it’s a way we learn. When you’re true to yourself, people see you aren’t ashamed of who you are. We can’t “be ourselves for others”, since being yourself starts with yourself and finding dignity with yourself, not awarded by others. Dignity isn’t avoiding things “beneath our station”, but realising our station doesn’t reflect our worth as human beings. Confidence encourages acceptance, even if we’re not popular, because it says “my validation derives from the worth of my beliefs, not popularity”. The brighter we burn, the more others see this.
My approach is:
* Remind myself that, if I can imprint on others, others may imprint on me if I’m not self-aware enough.
* Stand up for what I believe in. There’s nothing wrong politeness or compromise (usually both good things), unless I’m compromising myself.
* Be honest & forthcoming about my fears, doubts, & flaws. Not everyone respects them, but everyone has them. That being said, I feel there’s nothing wrong with being private & keeping personal secrets. So, I do my best balancing both.
* Have boundaries. There’s a line others shouldn’t be allowed to cross, that’s self-respect. Saying “No” may take practice (I didn’t learn right away), but it’s not wasted effort. Self-sacrifice isn’t wrong, but if I don’t have a self in the first place, then what am I sacrificing?
* Practice speaking my mind. The internet’s a good place for this (safety in anonymity), but not the end – it’s a beginning. Balance this with thinking before speaking.
* Ask myself: What are my goals? what do I want in life? what is my PASSION? Others may have opinions regarding my limits, but only I can know my limits and learn how to exceed them!
* Find someone who I needn’t hide myself from, so I get accustomed to being who I am. Encouragement doesn’t hurt!
* Find outlets for self-expression; they aren’t limited to painting, music, writing. My ‘art’ is whatever calls to me.

Those who know us become surrounded by who we are, which is why we should…

Live By Example
When we strive for better selves, others follow. Treat others as you would wish to be treated! Be a force others aspire to! Part of our struggle is being judged with no consideration, compassion, nor tolerance. By raising the bar we not only encourage others, we dispel negative myths about who we are. Even if others don’t follow our example, we won’t have lost anything by bettering ourselves; living by example isn’t exemplary if no serious self-improvement is sought.
My approach is:
* Be responsible. Remain aware that my actions aren’t unimportant. No matter how small, others may learn from them – good and bad. No matter how small, once done they’re done forever – and raindrops make the ocean.
* Remember that, when I’m alone “no one would know”, my true character is revealed.
* Set realistic & attainable goals for self-improvement.
* Observe the virtues of others I admire; if others can learn from me, then I can learn from others. There’s nothing wrong with asking advice so long as I’m not dependent.
* Read, study, and contemplate ethical & moral questions. Not finding answers is okay, people have been asking these questions for years.
* Reward myself & others for doing good deeds & having good traits – they need not be tangible rewards. Express gratitude. If I see someone doing good deeds, say “thank you”. This positively reinforces good behaviour, and good deeds shouldn’t go unrewarded nor unnoticed. Or if you prefer, “credit where credit is due”.
* Be mindful of my actions, they may become habits (an ounce of prevention… well you know the rest).
* Put my ethics & morals into practice; if my words don’t match my actions, something’s not right.

We mustn’t forget, perfection isn’t possible. What’s possible is…

Acceptance
We want change, but we can’t force change. When pushed, they push back harder. We must accept and love people for who they are *without* expectations, otherwise they won’t have courage to *exceed* expectations. Acceptance gives people time for consideration without pressure. Acceptance says “no matter what you believe, we won’t mistreat you” – a powerful message for people who’re terrified that we herald civilization’s downfall. Acceptance is like planting a seed and not burying it with bricks. Part of acceptance is not disrespecting them; treat people seriously. This may not be easy, but most people won’t engage others who don’t consider their views, treat them condescendingly, or invalidate their life experience. Especially regarding name-calling, we shouldn’t begin nor reciprocate such behaviour.
My approach is:
* Give others the ‘Benefit of the Doubt’. Like saying,” could you maybe explain that further? Perhaps I’ve misunderstood you.”
* Consider my past faults & flaws. No one’s without them, were’ not so different in that regard. I don’t blame myself for having made mistakes, so I shouldn’t blame others for making them too.
* Be considerate & respectful, and not condescending. If I wouldn’t like being spoken to or treated like this, then you probably wouldn’t like it either.
* Never stop trying to understand how someone thinks & why, and what their life’s been like. Our past needn’t define us, but can give context to who we are and what we do.
* Not forgetting that acceptance doesn’t mean “I don’t mind being denied my rights”, but rather “I won’t hate you for being different”.
* Identify ways in which we’re similar, and go from there. Afterwards, I consider their differences, and how I can learn from their different point of view.
* Find their attributes which are wholesome, or that I admire. Historical figures aren’t bad starting points, because sometimes proximity makes a difference.
* Never forgetting “thank goodness we don’t have to be roommates!” …unless I DO have to be roommates. Then I concentrate more on my other pointers, because it’s probably just as difficult on them as it is on me. With time, this still works for me.

If we can’t expect others to be adults, we shouldn’t join them. Instead, we can “lead the classroom”, which requires…

Patience
I’ll be especially forthcoming: patience is painful. If you’re a parent, you already know this! Regarding our opponents, patience asks us “journey with this person, who dislikes you, disagrees with you, resists truth, has no respect for you, and might never accept you” – a journey as long as it is logically labyrinthine, as some minds resemble Escher’s drawings. Patience is offering a hand every time they fall, gently presenting “another way”, but never saying “I told you so”. When your patience is tried – and it will be – take a breath, distance yourself (if not impossible). There’s nothing wrong with this. Patience grows as we exercise it; we can’t expect having much at first. We aren’t less deserving of our own patience, and we’re not any less for being human.
My approach is:
* Remind myself that impatience not only doesn’t help, but usually makes things worse. With time, patience extended becomes patience reciprocated. Impatience isn’t different.
* Keep my mind focused on my long-term goal & reward. For me, this is “helping you reach your HIGHEST potential as a human being”, to the best of my ability. What this potential may be, we can find out together.
* Distinguish between patience and idleness/apathy, as well as impatience and drive. For me, patience is “I know my current limits, I accept I’ve done all I can – for now”. Drive is “No matter how long it takes, I will find a way or I will make one”.
* Consider subjects I’m ignorant in, or when I’m not eloquent, or my inconvenient personal traits – and how others are patient with me despite all this. What seems easy for a musician may not be for a carpenter, and vice-versa.
* Not forgetting that patience doesn’t mean “I won’t resist abuse”, it means “Honest mistakes don’t deserve punishment”.
* Recognizing my emotions when I feel frustrated, so I can put emotional distance between myself and a situation. I must be careful not to avoid nor bury my feelings (repression makes things worse), but neither let them influence my temperament nor calm. And in the end, my frustrations can also lead me to a greater understanding of myself.
* Engage in patience-developing tasks, like gardening.
* Love others. Truly and deeply LOVE them, for who they are AND for their amazing limitless potential as human beings, with no expectation of reciprocity. Love them for how far they’ve already come and for where they could possibly go. For the good they’ve done, and wrongs they haven’t done. For who they’ve loved. Love for love’s sake.

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Pulling weeds and plowing earth isn’t easy, but gardens don’t bloom without care, and won’t bloom quicker even if we don’t like waiting. I don’t ask this of anyone who doesn’t want to; we must be willing to do this for others as much as ourselves, if not more. I strongly feel these virtues shouldn’t be pursued as “Ends justifying Means”, but as ends themselves. That we shouldn’t accept or be patient with others expecting a long-term reward, but because ALL human beings are deserving of what we’ve not been given. So, no matter what course our movement takes, we’ll have done good.

I believe understanding is love’s key; our relationships are built on preternatural understanding, and the stigmas we face stem from misunderstanding. But, my beliefs can’t speak for everyone, and my approach may not work for everyone. There are many paths in our world; this one is mine. I’m grateful for anyone who wishes to walk it with me.

When people understand “We’re not so different. We’ve the same fears. We’ve the same dreams. We want the same things in life”, I feel then and only then will we have equivalent rights – regardless of law.

Thank you for reading. I hope my words were helpful, and that you’re well.

Rainy

Self-Realization

For some of our number, discovering that we have a crush on a family member can be shocking enough, but subsequently realizing that it’s much more than that is different altogether. This article is about these discoveries about ourselves and how to make the process of discovery and self-acceptance easier.

From my observations, most people tend to go through certain stages before they come to the complete realization that they are consanguinamorous. While each persons experience is unique, these following stages seem to happen.

 

Observation – the ‘WTF?’ stage

This earliest stage is characterized by complete shock and confusion at realizing that we are attracted to a family member. After all, we have been told from the get go by society that only sick disgusting perverts would ever even think it… and yet here we are thinking it. Understandably this can be quite a blow to a persons self-worth and can be quite frightening to some people.

Denial – the ‘this isn’t happening’ stage

This understandable reaction to the observation leads directly on to this next stage. Where we lie to ourselves and come up with all kinds of rationalizations for why we thought what we thought. We might blame too much wine that evening, we might say we are under a lot of stress because of work and therefore not thinking clearly, or we might say it was a one off stray thought that doesn’t mean anything. We might even say that since it’s ‘never going to happen in a million years’ that we should just ignore these thoughts. We sometimes go a stage further and deny to ourselves that we even thought about it. We might say to ourselves something like ‘it isn’t him I like it was the smell of his aftershave’ or ‘it wasn’t her I like, it was the dress she was wearing’.

It’s all done to cover up the truth about what we thought and felt, even to ourselves. We go to these extraordinary lengths to deny it because it protects our self-image, who we think we are as a person. Since we have been indoctrinated to believe some extremely negative things about incest, we believe that if we deny it and lie to ourselves, then we are not associated with any of that negativity.

Cracks in the wall – The ‘I can’t deny it any more’ stage

After a period of time, if a person is still getting feelings for a family member, it becomes harder and harder to deny their real feelings to themselves. This is especially true when these feelings are triggered every time the other person is around. So then the person has a choice: deal with the feelings or go to extreme lengths to deny them (such as avoiding contact with the other person).

If somebody decides to deal with the feelings, they have to admit to themselves whole heartedly that they’re actually having them. This means that they must, at this point, admit that a part of themselves is not as they thougth it was. This aspect of self-discovery is one of the hardest; we all wear masks for different circumstances, but the hardest masks to abandon are those we never knew we wore, those we believed were the real us. So this isn’t just a surface level change of perspective, it’s something at our core which is not as we once believed it to be. This in itself can be earth shattering for some people, as they try to understand what they are while mourning the loss of the previously invisible mask.

Questions – ‘Am I really a bad person for feeling like this?’

At this stage, some of the nonsense society has forced upon us begins to fall down. We begin to realize that we’re the same person we have always been, we just know ourselves a little better now. We start to ask ourselves whether society is right about incest or whether the prejudice just comes from ignorance and fear. We start wondering how many people like us are really out there, equally alone, adrift with no rudder and no map. We question our intentions and realize that we want the same things in life as everyone else, we just want those things with a family member. We may even be so bold as to approach the one we love, especially if they have given us any signals that they might be interested. We might even quit making negative moral judgements about ourselves without examining the evidence. We might do some searches on the Internet and find the community.

Self-Acceptance – ‘I’m consang and there is nothing wrong with that’

This final stage occurs typically when people have successfully been able to exorcise all of the negative beliefs they held about incest, and instead being able to draw from their own experience and from all that they learnt through questioning. At this point, a person can be completely comfortable with their identity.

Such a transformation changes people, it makes us less judgemental of others we don’t understand, it makes us ask questions about all kinds of topics, it makes us skeptical about what we think we know, about what we hear and see. At this stage, we learn to love ourselves again, and know that our minds are truly set free. These things are of great benefit to us, as it allows us to grow as people and become better for it. We might even become angry at the world for it’s injustices, and set up blogs like this one to tell it like it is.

 

So, how can we make this process easier for people who come into our community who are struggling?

Actually, we can do plenty. We can offer reassurance and acceptance, we can direct them to the blogs and to Kindred Spirits. We can even ask them the questions which they should be asking themsleves. We can let them know that they are not alone, show them that these relationships can be healthy and beneficial to both parties. But the single most important thing we can do for others is to LISTEN, sometimes in the process of offloading a person can spot any flaws in their line of reasoning that they may have missed when not trying to put it into words, and being able to talk to others of similar minds tends to help anyone with any type of problem.