Since doing the consanguinamory study, I have noticed that there are a LOT of topics that we need to cover more about. However this is one of the most pressing in my opinion. My study revealed that 21.4% of us are getting caught by others. This is clearly an unnacceptably high number, especially since most of us live in countries where it is illegal, and in some of those countries the penalty for incest is life in prison (the kind of sentence you’d hope would be reserved for murderers, rapists and child molesters).
People, we need to think about this, seriously think about our security. Getting caught is something that many of us get compacent about, we think ‘oh, we’ll never get caught, that’s something that happens to other people’…. but it can, and my study shows that it often does. We simply cannot afford such complacentcy, not in the current climate. All of us are potentially at risk, and this is something we have to recognize.
There are two main ways of getting caught:
Being Caught in the act
This is the worst possible way for an outsider to discover your relationship, as not only are they confronted by the fact that you are together in that way, but they also got an eyeful of something that they didn’t want to see and may in fact disgust them. Being caught in the act leaves you at their mercy, at a time when they’re likely to feel confused, angry, distressed, and possibly grossed out. If this happens you are relying soley on damage control efforts to at least get the other person not to report you to the police or tell anyone else.
This isn’t much better to be honest, but at least the regular who discovered you didn’t get an eyeful. The sort of evidence I’m talking about is the undeniable kind, stuff like sexts being visible on your phone and then leaving said phone alone in the company of a known nosey friend or relative (okay they shouldn’t invade your privacy, but some people just don’t respect privacy), used condoms carelessly left visible in the bathroom bin when they could have come from nobody else…etc. These things are perfectly avoidable with a bit of planning and protocols in place. Again, you’re left entirely at the mercy of the person who discovered these things.
How do I avoid getting caught?
Many things on this list will seem pretty obvious, but be honest with yourself as you read them, how many of these rules are YOU breaking:
- Do not leave any evidence of your relationship on any electronic devices. This means you have to wipe off any sexts after you’ve responded to them, lest any nosey friends or relatives need to borrow your phone for any reason.
- Do not leave any evidence of your relationship on social media. Yes, this does mean you have to refrain from constantly talking about your other half, but really, if you don’t want to arouse suspicion, then don’t post stuff on your status that might indicate that you’re more than family.
- Make sure you’re not seen. This is very obvious, but some people don’t take proper precautions in the heat of the moment, especially not after a good night out. If you’ve got a lock on your door, use it. Don’t be noisy if you’re sharing a house with others, don’t have sex outdoors or in the car…etc. I know it might seem like I’m being boring and preaching to the choir, but it’s extremely important and I feel the need to say these things.
- Be careful how you act around each other in public. I know it can be hard, but switch to being in ‘family mode’ when these others are around. So no holding hands, cuddling up to each other, and definitely no snogging. This rule applies most obviously when you’re around others who know you as family, but also in situations where it is possible to run into others who know you as family too, say for instance if you’re out together in the local town center. The rule can however be dropped if you’re someplace where NOBODY knows you, like if you go away on holiday to another country.
- If you share a house together make sure that you have a ‘room each’ for show at least, and tell people that you’re sharing to keep costs down. It’s a believable lie and nobody will question it.
- Avoid telling your children (I’m assuming here that they’re minors, not adult children), kids have a way of letting the truth slip, and at a tender age it is most unfair to burden them with your secret. But if they already know, you MUST stress on them the need to keep it quiet and explain to them that some people wouldn’t approve of the relationship and it could get you into trouble.
- Seems obvious, but tell nobody if at all possible. The fewer people know, the safer you are.
This is a pretty good checklist for a starting point, think about what you’re doing and do not succumb to complatentcy, it CAN happen, to any of us.
I’ve already been caught, what should I do?
If despite your best attempts to keep your relationship a secret, you’ve been discovered anyway, there are a few things you can do.
First of all: DON’T PANIC. Not everyone is against us, and even some of those who disapprove may realize that reporting you is not the answer.
Encourage the person who has found you out to to ask questions, and answer those questions honestly. This gives the other person the chance to gain some understanding and possibly become more supportive. Remember, this person is probably worried that one of you is some kind of ‘victim’, this is your chance to show that this isn’t the case, and that your relationship is perfectly healthy. Such reassurance can make the difference between you being reported or not.
At this stage it’s about damage control at first, but more than that, it’s about showing that person that there isn’t anything wrong with you both, or your relationship. It is showing them that love is love, and that all love deserves equality. If this approach is taken, it could turn their shock into their support. Of course, don’t get preachy about it, just let them see you for who you really are.
I repeat, the best way to stay safe is to not get caught in the first place, but if you are, let them ask questions, answer them honestly and GIVE THEM TIME to digest the information.
One day this will cease to be an issue, but for now it is one, and a pretty large one in my opinion. Stay safe out there people 🙂