2nd May 2015

“My boyfriend is my cousin”

I found a thread on a forum for the girlfriends, spouses, and female family of people in prison. This one blows my mind – not because I find it surprising, but because of how much people’s minds are blown.

I just found out that me & my boyfriend of 4 years are cousins i’m shocked i’m upset i’m sad I don’t know what to do i’ve been having some problems with my roof so I told him that my cousin came out to check it for me he asked me what was my cousins name and I told him my cousins nick name he said that’s funny I have a cousin who has that same nick name he said what does he look like and I told him he said how old is he and I told him and he said that’s crazy because thats sound just like my cousin so we brushed it off and didn’t pay it to much attention

so yesterday his mom called to wish me a happy thanksgiving  so we talked for a while then I asked her if she had a cousin name (BLANK) because I thought my bf was joking around well this time he was serious because she said yeah and i’m like hold up so then I start asking her did she know a couple of my family members she said yes and when I asked her did she know my mom she said yes your mother is my cousin my mouth hit the floor I said let me call you back so I can call my mom

well I called my mom and I told her the situation and I asked her did she know my bf’s mother and when i told her my bf’s mothers name she said oh my god we are related she said I  never met her children because I haven’t seen her in years so at this point my mind is blank I hung up the phone and for the next couple of hours i felt like I was in a daze I don’t know what to do he called me this morning and he was sick when i told him everything he is about to come home in a couple of weeks and his home plan is sent to my house we been together for four years but the thought of me sleeping with my cousin is  i don’t know what to do I can’t believe it

Welp, I understand how it might be shocking, but it’s not a big deal, nor is it so uncommon. They’re not even 1st-cousins; they’re at least 2nd-cousins. Very few places on Earth ban such marriages, let alone criminalize such unions.

People’s reactions, though…

you poor girl!! i don’t believe in incest either but if you love the guy it would be really hard to cut those feelings off. i don’t even know what advice to give you except to say, i’m so sorry!!!!

Whether anyone “believes” in it, it’s there. It’s already happened (by some people’s definition of “incest”). People need to be reassuring her, not consoling her.

Ok…theres OFFICIALLY nothing that can shock me on here anymore..
Im so sorry this happened to you. I could only imagine it would be hard to just cut it off…I dont know..I just hope it works out for ya!!

Really? This is the most shocking thing they’ve come across? I fear for their future sanity should they come across 1st-cousins kissing.

been there dont that and freaked way out! i went with my cousin 3 yrs before we found out. now we laugh about it.  we ended it when we found out but i can relate to what your going thru!

So she dated a man for 3 years, and after all that finding out they were somewhat related was enough to lead them to end the relationship? God… At least they’re happy and on good terms now. But still! What an overreaction!

I’m sorry for your situations…..it seems like we’re all related to someone in one way or another….. Honestly, that’s why I date different races…cause there is a greater chance that I’m not related to them…..

That… I don’t even know what to make of that. Are black people who marry other black people more “incestuous” then? To choose one’s partner based on race purely to avoid the small chance you might have sex with a distant cousin? I never truly realized how much some people let the “incest” taboo run their lives.

OMFG. Girl I’m tryna pick my mouth up off the floor….All I can say is girl THAT SUCKS!!! omg. that sucks so bad…Like, how related are you? Blood? 1st cousins?? omg. I’m speechless. I’m soooo sorry b/c girl, that must suck so bad.

I still don’t get why it “sucks”.

WOW!! You poor girl.  That is messed up honey.  The only other thing that comes to mind (sounds crazy) is to determine the blood line in the event you choose to stay together and have a family.  There COULD be issues down the road thru your geneology and yes, it would take a genetic specialist to determine that.  Either way it goes, I wish you the best

I mean, yes, she should, but everyone should see a genetic specialist before having children, ideally. Why is everyone giving their condolences? It’s not like anyone’s died.

I don’t blame people for their reactions here. They’re byproducts of our culture. They’re just trying to be supportive in the only way they know how. I care more about what it says about the kind of distorted thinking our culture teaches us when it comes to consanguinamory – especially for something as benign as 2nd-cousins dating.

Luckily, some people aren’t so ignorant:

I mean it is only “gross” when you grow up with someone as your family member and then say start sleeping with them.  I mean my mothers cousins one raised in Italy one raised here met at ya know 20 years old fell in love and got married.  They didnt know each other as family.  Now I could never think of sleeping with my cousin 3rd or 4th but I grew up with them as family and you shouldnt look at your family that way but…you dont know him and I wouldnt get to upset over it.  I mean I know it may be too late you are upset but try to relax it will all be ok.

I wouldn’t consider that “gross”, but at least she’s somewhat accepting of GSA situations.

It is not incest.  You’re second cousins and would be able to marry.  I think it’s just first cousins that can’t marry.   Don’t panic.  I have so many first cousins I don’t even keep track of second cousins or “first removed” and all that.

In half the states, 1st cousins can marry, as well as in the vast majority of all countries on Earth. So, even if they were 1st-cousins, it still wouldn’t be “incest” in most cultures, nor would it bar them from marriage.

Her reaction to all of this makes me sad:

Thank you guys for the comments I still can’t get my head together I just can’t believe it I love him to death i’ve been waiting a little over 2 years from him to come home and now that it’s almost over I get with that wowwwwwwww it’s crazy because it’s only been a day since I found out but when I talked to him today and he said I love you it was hard for me to say i love you to because I felt like a freak oh my God I just don’t know what to do

There’s no natural inhibition for cousins who didn’t grow up together. Cousins of various kinds have never been universally considered off limits. Despite that, society’s crap has gotten so deep in her head that it’s undermining her love for her boyfriend of 4 years, who she’s been diligently waiting for while he’s in prison. To have such a strong relationship so easily and quickly undermined by something so insignificant…