2nd Apr 2015

Why we need legal reform

Some friends of Full Marriage Equality discuss the threats they have to navigate:

You can read about Bonnie and her fiancé here. The woman (Anonymous) who starts the conversation is married to a man who happens to be here genetic father. Like Bonnie, this is a Genetic Sexual Attraction situation, meaning these men did not raise these women. These women were strongly attracted to the men in their lives and are happy with them.

[…] Anonymous: So one of my old high school friends is starting to figure out [my husband in my genetic father.] Now I’m worried about her reaction to it. Bonnie: My grandfather is doing the same. It’s so annoying cause you want to tell them but you don’t how they’re going to react. Or if they really are figuring it out.

Anonymous: Exactly

Bonnie: My dad says that grandpa is picking on me like he used to his girlfriends. We are so confused.

Anonymous: Well she has been my friend for 9 years now, and I have wanted to tell her but couldn’t because of fright.

Bonnie: Yes, I understand.

Anonymous: I want her to figure it out so she will ask me about it.

Bonnie: Yes that’s what we did with our one and only friend, other than our roommate, who knows. I think it’s the best way because people who don’t wanna know or are afraid to know usually do not ask so you know it’s most likely the time you can admit it.

Anonymous: She keeps telling me to tell her what is going on and she will be open minded, but I still don’t know.

Bonnie: Just wait until she asks. It’s going to be safer in my opinion.

Anonymous: Well, my adopted family knows and hates me for it. They are trying to get our kids now and everything.

[…] Can you imagine going through things like this simply because of loving another adult?

In all honesty, as sad a truth as it is, if her family really wants to take her children away, they’ll succeed – 100%. Not only is the law no safeguard for her, but it’s actually the primary threat they could use to blackmail her into giving the children willingly.

 


 

Bigotted “Help” Just Causes Harm

From the comments of Full Marriage Equality:

Sounds a lot like what I was told when I went looking for advice though I don’t know if that was the particular place I got it or not. Essentially I was told to not to make any moves, just wait and eventually my feelings would go away as if it was just a phase. I was also pretty much told to be silent with regards to my condition. I actually complied, because it wasn’t like I really had much of a choice. I mean, adults face 25 years where I live, and while I am sure a minor would face less, I don’t know how much. There was also the social stigma, to which I was already acquainted with from when I was even younger.

But let me tell you one thing, that advice was useless, and basically amounts to bottling up your feelings and throwing them under the bus. Their support was even worse, because after hearing them I felt even more alone than I had before. Everybody was out for themselves, all of their advice was basically to maintain the status quo of doing nothing, I was even told that it would be detrimental to tell anybody, which it could very well have been but many who might not want to go through with it would probably do a lot better if their family understood and was willing to help them. Such advice may have in fact isolated me and many others from help we need, either in regards to avoiding going through with it, or to actually go through with in as a minimally damaging way possible. Even worse, if somebody is looking for a way out then telling them there is no way out and you’re basically f**ked regardless, and the only thing you can do is wait and pray your heart gives up on them, can you really call that advice? Can you really call that support? How is anybody suppose to get help when the helpers are just as condemning and demonizing as everybody else.

Either they hated themselves and it showed through their writing, or they were inexperienced in the area masquerading their trolling as advice. I felt that had they just told me that I was better off dead that it wouldn’t have changed their antagonism much towards me (yes it felt as if they had something against me as a person rather than toward my question).

Around ten years later, and my feelings haven’t “gone away” they weren’t just a phase, instead they have grown. My silence and and being alone in my struggle had a dramatic negative effect on my life. For several years I struggled with my depression. The past couple of years and especially the past few months I decided to discard my silence. Even if I stay anonymous, speaking out has helped me tremendously. I’ve found people that have supported me(though not personally due to anonymity), and I don’t feel anywhere near as alone as before. By the same token, there have been people that have judged me (same as before, not personally due to anonymity), but I can see that their inexperience with the subject has clouded their judgment, their bigotry has lost most of it’s power. Those that support tend to have had experience with consanguinamory, or knows somebody who has, and they learned that the arguments are inconsistent hogwash, while the bigots only have hear say of cases where not all facts are known and bias is presented. Everything else if filled out with ignorance.

If anybody is reading this, know that whether you pursue a relationship with a relative, or you choose to avoid it, there are people that respect and support your choice. It’s all about environment. I’ve been to both good and bad sites, and the good sites, I’ve stayed at, the bad ones I don’t visit anymore or avoid as much as possible. This has taught me that there is more than one choice for environment, if you seek help and they tell you rubbish, there are other places that are far more helpful. You’ll know a good environment is one you don’t fear speaking in.

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