This is the very first guest article on my site, by Rainy, I’ve just copied and pasted her e-mail here.
This is especially for those of us who quietly long for someone in our family, whether they know or not. As always allies and advocates are welcome to read too – you may find something helpful, if someone you know is consanguinamorous and needs advice, or just a shoulder to lean on.
SHOULD I SAY ANYTHING?
The moment we realize that we’ve feelings for a first-degree (or even second-degree) relative… it’s a heady moment. Worry, no small amount of fear, mixed with yearning and hope. Hope that perhaps, maybe, they secretly feel as we do too.
Coming to terms with these feelings is often difficult, as we test ourselves to ensure that what we feel is true. It’s a necessary step, and not entirely bad – many relationships end poorly because people don’t always examine things closely before entering them. If these are things that you worry about, it’s okay. This website was designed for and is maintained by people like us. This article may be helpful in particular:https://consanguinamory.wordpress.com/when-it-starts-overwhelming-love-and-inner-conflict/
If these are feelings that you have since come to understand, then only one significant question remains: should I or shouldn’t I tell them?
The situation is different for everybody. Generational, siblings, and cousins as well; all create different circumstances. More than likely, you know your situation better than I or any others can; all I can offer is insight from my own experiences, in hopes that some of it may be helpful for you.
We grew up together, and from the start we were nearly identical… yet, practically opposites. We hardly spent any time apart, and there was nothing we hid from each other. You could say it was us versus the world!
So, when the time came that it felt like something could and should be said, I knew it wouldn’t break us apart. And I also knew that it was very unlikely to go anywhere, but it seemed important to share such a personal thing with the person who was closest to me, just to be known better. This knowing and sharing, starting from birth, was why it felt important to share, and also why it felt like things would be okay: after all, we were buttercups and bees.
In some ways, I was lucky (and still am). The signs aren’t always easy to spot, and that can leave you feeling hanging, like “are they dropping hints? or am I seeing what I want to see?”. This sort of guesswork can be crazy-making for sure!
My personal experiences tell me (if nothing else) to look at actions over words, and always be sure to keep in mind the person behind them, because things tend to have different meanings between different people. That, and to not make decisions during turbulent times – they don’t always turn out wrong, but it does tend to cloud judgement. Consider your feelings as to the various outcomes, and let them be a measure to how ready you are for those outcomes. We can never be 100% ready for everything in life (and somethings especially), but it doesn’t hurt to be prepared.
Another thing worth considering is your current living situation, and that of the one you love; it’s important to know who or what you can rely on if you need to, and important to know who may be relying on you.
You may have noticed that this doesn’t give any directions as to whether you should or shouldn’t tell them in the end. That’s because I can’t.
Ultimately, this decision can only be made by you.
WE COULDN’T BE TOGETHER
To say that it’s hard is an understatement. There’s not much that can give relief; I’m sorry for that. You take it one day at a time, one hour, or every minute if you have to. It doesn’t exactly get easier, but in time there is some degree of peace. How long that may take, is impossible to say.
Surely, there are reasons for why they may not feel the same. Fear of discovery. Societal guilt. Love, but not romantic love. It’s no secret that our kinds of relationships have exceptional difficulties to overcome. The first thing to remember is that, whatever reason they had, you did your best. You gave them love (and likely, still do), you took a chance for your heart and for a better future, for both of you. You took the ultimate risk, you were bare and vulnerable with the one you love most. It’s an incredible and amazing thing to do, a brave thing, more so than many people realize. And it hurts, it has to.
Often, when people think of love, it’s hugs and kisses, and the making of memories… and it is these things. But beyond that, it’s sacrifice. To pass over your hopes and dreams for theirs, without expectation of reward of any kind. And so, carry on. Take it slow, learn to smile again. For them.
If it doesn’t abate a little even after a long time – and it may not – getting some physical distance can help give you some space to clear your mind and put things together. This isn’t always possible, limitations and responsibilities being what they are. Putting aside time, if there is any, to close your eyes and emotionally rest can also help, as well as writing down the feelings – it doesn’t have to be poetic or anything. It just helps to get things out.
If you feel this isn’t your way, I understand. It carried me through the hardest times (and many days, still does), but we’re all different, we all have our own path. Hopefully, you will find yours.
IF YOUR FRIEND CONFIDES IN YOU
If you’ve a friend that confides in you their feelings for one of their family, then they trust you more than mere words can say. Perhaps you’re here, looking for ways as to help your friend, or maybe you’re an consanguinamory advocate who wants to be ready should a time ever come for it. In any case, I’m glad to have you.
A lot of the truths that apply to romance between regulars is true between family members. This may seem strange on the surface, but let’s look at it like this… if they were asking you for advice concerning feelings they had for someone (say perhaps, another very close friend) but were worried that things could become complicated if they did, what would you say?
It is true that there are other considerations, and in that regard things are different. Ultimately, as a friends, our desire is to see them home safely and happy, and spend some good times together. We can give our friends our opinions, advice, wisdom (if we’re lucky to have any), best wishes and personal feelings on the whole thing… but in the end, they are their own persons. Past that, the most we can do is stick by them and well, be good friends.
On being a shoulder to lean on… of the things we hear most often (“there are other fish in the sea”, “maybe you’re meant to be with someone else”, “it’s time for you to move on”, “they still love you as a friend”, so on), who wishes to hear these at all? especially after something like that. When giving consolation, remember that, before anything else, they were in love and now their heart is broken. Handle it as though it were your own heart. You probably know this already! but it’s worth saying, just in case.
Should you not be renowned for people skills or fuzzy-warmth, it’s okay – in all likelihood, your friend knows this already. If they trusted you enough to tell you, then you’re close to them regardless. Be genuine, and be a good listener if you can. It usually helps.
We’re so fortunate to live in a time where the world is so interconnected, that there is a place for people like us. If you ever find that a friend has feelings for one of their family, show them here. Often feeling alone in this world is one of the things that makes getting through it the hardest.
Thank you all very much for taking the time to read this, hopefully you have found some thing of help or comfort in it. Also, thank you Jane Doe for hosting this article, and for the many others you have also written. It’s very much appreciated!
Very much love for you all,
– Rainy (a pseudonym)