When family dysfunction leads to consensual incest.

Many if not most consanguinamorous relationships begin in normal families which are functional. However, sometimes family members may become close to each other as a consequence of family dysfunction, as a means of coping with the shit going on around them. Sometimes, this closeness and shared pain leads to an incestuous relationship.

A great many critics would hold such people up and say ‘see, incest is dysfunctional’… but I have some major things to point out here that would swiftly silence such opposition. First of all, nobody would turn around to an unrelated couple who were best friends previously and who got together when one or both were going through bad times. If anything, such relationships are usually celebrated as a triumph over adversity… and yet their consanguinamorous counterparts are dismissed as by default abusive. This logic makes no sense at all.

For instance, imagine a home where the parents are on illegal drugs, and both are so off their face that they cannot look after their kids. As a consequence, the children are neglected both emotionally and physically. Skip a few years and these kids are now older teenagers. There is a brother and sister who always looked out for each other and looked after each other… they had to… the parents were drugged up all the time. This brother and sister became very close, because they understood each other totally in ways nobody else could. This lead to them becoming close enough for a sexual relationship to form. How could ANYONE condemn this hypothetical brother and sister who have gone though so much together?

So now lets look at another scenario… imagine a terrible marriage where husband and wife were more like old enemies to each other. Imagine that the atmosphere was so toxic that everyone in the house had to walk on eggshells all the time, but not because BOTH people were like that, but because ONE of the parties in the marriage had serious mental health problems. Imagine that the woman frequently lost her temper and threw things at her husband. Imagine that she used to hold minor grudges for a decade or more, and Imagine that when she argued with her children, the rows would last for average 5 days of constant screaming and abuse. Imagine that she used to threaten her husband with horrible consequences if he dared to leave her. Imagine that the mentally ill one had three children, the oldest of which was a girl. She grew up to be a typical young woman, unremarkable for the most part. Everyone in the household suffered her mothers rages and insecurities, and the only person she felt she could turn to was her dad, who was also suffering. They became very close and then the unexpected happened… they fell deeply in love. Both fought it for a while, but they had to admit their feelings and it led to an affair behind the mothers back. Neither expected to feel that way, and at first didn’t want to feel that way, and yet they did. How could anyone condemn this couple? Anyone who does is condemning  ME AND DAD… this is a part of our story!

By this point, we were BOTH emotionally crushed by my mothers actions and words, he had had many years of it… I’d listened to it since I was born. We sought and found solace with each other. Best part was, we each loved each other unconditionally, and accepted each other for who we were, no pretenses and nobody to impress… that was the best part, my first experience of not having to act with anyone. It always baffled me how mother could treat such a beautiful person as my dad with such cruelty and indifference… now I know it must have been Sociopathy or NPD.

In any case, the major point I am trying to make with this article is that incest is NOT dysfunctional, but it can be a welcome and healthy by-product of dysfunctional family situations. Like I said earlier, if you would not condemn best friends who got together during or after a traumatizing experience, then don’t do it to their consanguinamorous counterparts!


3 thoughts on “When family dysfunction leads to consensual incest.

  1. I would even argue that such behavior is biologically adaptive. In times of struggle, you never know if you’ll ever have a better mate come along, so it’s best to bond with whoever you can. Studies have shown that countries that have high poverty or warfare also have high birthrates. We’re designed to bond in times of difficulty. Why should anyone be punished for doing what we’re programmed to do?


  2. If people are absolute against these relationships they will not really listen to you. They would argue that there is a huge difference between becoming very close with your father because of family dysfunction and starting a incestuous relationship with him. They would also point out that you can’t compare your relationship with unrelated couples and if both of you are emotional crushed you need therapy and not an affair.
    You see, Jane, there is no cure for people with incest-phobia. The best thing to say is that it’s none of their business how other people live their life and that there is no harm if consenting adults are in these relationships. I talked to friends in the last weeks about this. At first they are perplexed that people really want to be with a family member but in the end of our discussions they always said with a sigh: ‘OK, these people are adults, if they are happy that way…let them…….it’s not our business.’ Many people react that way that’s why I think you folks have more allies than you think.


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