Today, I got this in my inbox in response to one of my articles:
I am just stared at computer screen after reading the article “parents need extra reassurance and love”. Dear you know how much we are struggling inside to share the love and affection and how much friction we are facing with our beloved ones because of the social stigma associated with it.
Yes parents feel social responsibility, fear of branded as beast etc etc bad things. But parents do has their heart, do has their love, affection and care for their offspring. When the offspring become the adult parents wants to show love and affection upon them. A relationship is not just sex, without sex no relation is complete in a intense true sense.
But it is such a difficult situation for a father/Mother to express their love to their adult offspring. In case of fathers it is too much difficult. Because always father is portrayed as the man of power, so they immediately blame upon him is he is over powering his beloved daughter, misusing his daughter. See how much impractical it is.
Love and sex are two mutual things evolves with care, affection and consent. Even though fathers surfers a lot, if daughters are not taking the first step. As you said “Many mothers and fathers in these situations tend to put their sons and daughters in the driving seat of the relationship in order to redress the perceived power imbalance. In some cases they make themselves ridiculously vulnerable to being taken advantage of and have low self-esteem because of the guilt.” Thats perfectly true, Parents don’t want to hurt their beloved offspring in no way, just, just they want love, they want affection. So its the responsibility of the offspring to take the first step and clearly, very clearly bring the intimacy in the relationship.
I read the following your suggestions multiple times.
- Give lots of compliments
- Always let them know how happy we are to be with them
- You can never say ‘I love you’ too many times
- Be the one to initiate sexual intimacy… if they’re always the one doing that they will question if you really do want it or not
- Have lots of long conversations with cuddles
- Take him or her out someplace nice that you will both enjoy
Yes particularly fathers need lot of compliments to over come their feeling of guiltiness in making love. Very frequently daughters should reassure her father about it. because many a times during the romance male and female roles are different. If the daughter is not responsive or not sharing the active part he may felt that he is forcefully imposing his likes on her.
Yes assure and reassure to the parent that the daughter/son is much more happy in the relationship and they want it so much.
Being the one to initiate the sexual intimacy is very very very much important. This removes all the confusion and guiltiness. particularly men always has this feeling of whether they are forcing them selves on the women, because women are being treated as the vulnerable in our society. So if women comes closer and cuddle themselves and initiate the eye gazing, intimately bringing their face closer to their parent, crushing themselves to their father, talking in a smooth and encouraging way for romance, and reassures that they love and want the love making from their parent………then it makes the things clear to the parent that it is perfectly ok and both of us are nourishing and growing this bond very fondly and caring.
Thank you so much for writing these things. I am suggesting some of my friends to read your articles. Please do write, write more and more. one day we will definitely bring the change in the perspective of this world. On that day we can see, couple of fathers-daughters, mothers-sons freely roaming on the beach side, in the parks, in the restaurants, in valentine’s day celebrations, inviting their friends and family to their home where they are living as couples. We can also see fathers conveying their love to their grown up daughters without any hesitation and by hearing her fathers proposal/feelings towards her, her sparkling eyes, by listening her father compliments her blushing and yet proud looks, she keeps her father in waiting for her answer and enjoying his eagerness and dilemma, ultimately she says yes to him and his love and accepts to take his hand and enters into his life……….everything is beautiful. We will work for that beautiful day.
Thank you dear.
Well thank you very much for your kind words of response. You’re of course absolutely right in the way that society sees gender roles and portrays women as being weaker and more in need of protection. Of course, men and women are put into separate boxes in the minds of many people, men are often portrayed as aggressive (both sexually and otherwise) dominant and powerful and men are also viewed as more likely to want something more unusual sexually. Women on the other hand are in another box, one in which they are portrayed as weak, submissive, in need of protection from the male ‘predator’ and as being people who are not so sexually adventurous. This leads people to extrapolate that ‘women do not want incestuous relationships’. The stereotypes are in themselves very inaccurate, and so we cannot be too shocked when the ideologies inferred from them also very inaccurate. It just doesn’t occur to many people that women also can want and be very happy in these kinds of relationships, hence why when people hear about the father/daughter dynamic their instant response is to assume some kind of abuse.
Society may understand things a bit better when it stops putting people into ridiculous pigeon holes based upon their gender, age, relation to each other…etc. Life isn’t like that and it never was.
I too am waiting for the day when people can be free to express themselves and their love lives without shame or fear of prejudice. This blog exists to do my part in helping to bring that about. We can only tackle bigotry with education, because there are likely a lot of people who are going to change their opinions when they have access to accurate information on the subject. Naturally there will be a few bigots remaining, but one day those people will be seen by society in the same way that most sensible people now view homophobes… as backward, idiotic and ignorant.
Thanks again for your letter, and take care 🙂