Today I received this letter in my inbox:
Dear Jane,I have just read your ‘Open letter to legislators’ and ‘About me’ and it felt like you are practically speaking ‘my heart and mind.’Your mother sounds just like my wife; (who may have BPD) Hard to live with yet hard to escape.Super charming when she wants to be, but controlling and verbally and physically abusive when it suits her.My daughter doesn’t seem to love me as much as you love your father. She never phones us, hardly emails, but I thought we were very close. We would chat easilly for hours, only stopping because the wife’s interruptions. That was until I fell in love with her about two years ago during our trip to the UK. She is 30 now. What is it about the English Spring? She found out, (a careless word) rejected me and backed away, keeping her distance. (She had moved out of home three years earlier, but now that I was in love, I could really feel her absence and the silent treatment she was giving me.Now we are almost totally estranged.(She still visits us dutifully fortnightly but only for Sunday meal.) She has had a few boyfriends but already in her 30s, seems uninterested in marriage. Sometimes my ego makes me suspect she has a little feeling left over for me also, which, as most people do with Oedipal impulses, she represses them.I am happy that you and your father found happiness together. I am a tad envious. You write so well, clearly and honestly, I almost wish you were my daughter instead of my daughter who seems so cruel to me in a way ( is it to be kind?).But could be the environment that makes her and me so… mad. Fifteen years of celibacy. Perhaps that an make someone go around the twist? Yet I am not the one sending people to jail for consensual adult incest. Who is mad?I have been trying to write a book about incest, (as therapy for me, to kill time and to ‘intellectualise’ my mental problem.But I got side-tracked when I read about a case in Scotland, where a father was jailed for consensual adult incest. ( Eleanor Jackson, was taken from her biological father Frank Humphreys, twice: once as an infant, then again as an adult). This was a gross injustice to my mind, especially when ACI is not illegal in so many European and other countries. Modern places like new Jersey. Israel. Japan. France. China. “Why is Scotland still in the Dark Ages?” I thought.
Last year I sent a petition to the Scottish parliament about the unfair Scottish law on incest. The original petition was about 10 pages long, but they cut it down to 3-4 pages, eviscerating it I thought. On Australia Dad they rejected it out of hand with no debate. I think they would have rejected it even if I had had time to gather a million signatures.
They were just so closed minded. I had hoped that people would have become more educated and broadminded since the UK legalised homosexuality and gay marriage. Perhaps many have, just not the politicians.
One possibility I suppose is for UK people in consanguineous relationships to apply for refugee status in France, Netherlands, Luxembourg, Spain Portugal or Italy. The law in the UK does breach ACI people’s human rights, and persecutes them, and destroys their lives. But then, we are not all ‘Lord Byrons’ with a healthy trust fund, and can’t afford to become refugees.
At least in Belgium people can publicly register their ACI relationship.
One psychiatrist recently said he thought I had PTSD, probably as a result of living in an on-going abusive relationship.
It is not a very good excuse for a bad letter, but the only one I can think of just now.
I am sorry this letter may not be as well written as it should be, but I hope that you can see that it is meant to show you that there is at least one more out here who really cares and feels the kind of things you feel, and thinks the same way as you do and supports you.Wishing you the best always
With deep compassion and co feelingKeep being strong!
Richard [Surname removed for privacy]Sydney NSW
Thank you for that, Richard, It’s nice to know that people are appreciating the work I’m putting in and understand the problems we face so well.
I’m sorry to hear that your love for your daughter went unrequited, sometimes it goes like that for consanguinamorous people as much as it does for ‘normal’ people. I’m sure if she ever changes her mind she would let you know. The important thing for now is not to try again or it may push her further away. A lot of people are very uncomfortable with the idea of incest (both because they just aren’t wired up that way and because of the way society brainwashes people to hate it), and so she probably freaked out a fair bit. The best you can do really do is try to be close to her in other ways, such as phoning her more often and just talking, perhaps asking if she needs help with anything, maybe go for a meal or spend time doing something that you both enjoy. This probably won’t lead to a consanguinamorous relationship, and don’t expect it to… the goal is a better and closer family relationship. Trust me, if consanguinamory happens, it does so very unexpectedly and spontaneously.
Sorry to hear about your wifes mental problems, that can be a tough one to live with. My mother was never diagnosed because she wouldn’t go and see any mental health professional, she was convinced that psychiatrists wanted everyone locked up just so that they could experiment on them (I know, crazy), but judging by her behavior and how she was, mine most likely had Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Psychopathy. But then I am just doing amateur armchair psychiatry based on reading articles and stuff and then weighing up checklists against the behavior. I’m certainly no expert in mental health. Growing up around all the crazy wasn’t easy, and nor was it easy for my dad.
I’m glad to hear you’re writing a book, I’m sure you’ll get it done eventually, I think many people need to have more information out there about consensual adult incest, and so the more the better. That’s the reason I do this blog actually, to help educate people and get them to realize that we’re normal people, not horrible scary perverts. I get letters like yours sometimes and it’s aways nice to know that my message is helping and affirming people.
So it was YOU who sent the petition to Scotland? Wow. I live in England but really, I can’t thank you enough for trying for us, these laws seriously need reforming. As for them trimming it down… probably afraid of the inevitable consequence of reading the whole document, that is, that they would have to legalize consensual adult incest. It’s true that you’d think that the legalization and subsequent equal marriage rights for homosexuals would have made people realize that sometimes the law gets it badly wrong. Yet I doubt that many people are ready to accept incest yet. I think that this is because it is so taboo that even talking about it is taboo, and so because nothing gets discussed, ignorance and prejudice persist… and you’re right, this does breach our human rights.
The tide will turn my friend, and the movement is now underway, slowly but surely, person by person we will change hearts and minds. A trickle becomes a stream, and a stream becomes a torrent as it tears down old barriers and prejudices, sweeping the way clean for a new dawn of understanding. The opening of minds is exponential, and one day anti-incest prejudice (new word possibility – consanguinamorophobia?) will be just as unacceptable and as ugly as homophobia is now in the mind of the public.
Again, thank you for getting in touch with me. You may e-mail me again any time if there is anything further you wish to discuss 🙂